This is a standalone post that covers primarily the concept of Friendship Maintenance.  However, in order to get the full picture, read Part 1 Here.  It’s hard to argue with the Korean Drama argument of why close guy and girl friendship would never work. However, I think that SOMETIMES, with careful “maintenance”, cross gender friendship CAN work.  This is actually a pretty new revelation for me.  I used to be COMPLETELY opposed to this.  But, lately, I’ve been much more open to the idea, even though I still believe that you have to play this very carefully.  Relational boundaries are a tricky thing to establish and maintain on a cross gender level.

I guess I had better explain what friendship maintenance is.  Friendship maintenance is an open line of communication between the guy and the girl to make sure they are both still on the same page throughout the course of their relationship.  Whereas DTR is the first discussion that establishes the relationship as what it is, friendship maintenance happens continuously as the relationship progresses.  Friendship maintenance happens AFTER DTR.  In the DTR you’ve already determined that you are going to be “just friends”.  Friendship maintenance is the means by which you ensure that that reality never changes.

The important thing about friendship maintenance, however is that you have to be as STRAIGHT FORWARD as possible.  SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK.  Subtle hints are WAY too easy to morph into what YOU want to believe and not what was actually said.  For instance, even something like this.  If a girl hints her position to a guy by saying something like, “oh Bob, you and I are such good friends, I wouldn’t change what we have for the world!”  The guy will usually interpret it as…”SHE’S SO INTO ME.  WE’RE GOOD FRIENDS.  SHE WANTS TO DATE ME.  MAYBE I SHOULD KISS HER NOW.”

That’s just the way of the world.  People hear what they WANT to hear, not what is actually said.  Especially when it comes to dating issues.  You want to believe and hope for the best case scenario, and when you leave comments so open ended, imaginations run wild.  I talk to soo many people who say, “BUT I THOUGHT HE/SHE KNEW!  I GAVE THEM SOO MANY SUGGESTIONS THAT I DIDN’T LIKE THEM!”  Hah.  You fail.

Anyways, the way to manage close relationships (and ensure that you can keep them) is to constantly reinforce this principle of friendship maintenance.  This type of maintenance should be done when needed (if you feel a “shift” in the emotional landscape of the relationship).  A “shift” may be something as simple as a night that just felt unusually “emotionally charged”, or it could be that you just feel like the relationship is progressing and you’re getting closer, so before you take “the next step” to a deeper and more serious relationship, you need to “maintain” the relationship and make sure you’re on the same page.

Let me try to give a real life example.  Guy and girl are friends.  They feel like they are getting “closer”.  They’ve already been through the DTR, but at the same time, they can’t help but feel that they are getting a lot closer these days than they ever were.  Therefore, guy or girl (either one) starts to get concerned cause they do not want to progress the relationship until they feel secure that there is nothing more than just a “friends” sort of commitment.  So then, they “talk things over”.  It’s not ambiguous at all.  They CONFIRM with each other, openly and honestly, how they feel about each other.

Guy: “Hey, I feel like we’ve been getting closer…I just need to make sure we’re on the same page.  Please be honest with me and tell me the truth so that I can best guard YOUR heart and MY heart.  Do you like me as “more than a friend”?”

Girl: “Well, first of all, yea…I’ve been sort of feeling the same about us getting closer and getting worried.  I’m glad you talked to me about this, to make sure things are okay with us!  Well, on my part, I definitely do not see you in that way.  I see you as a brother in christ, and really cherish our friendship!”

Guy: “REALLY?  Man!  ME TOO!  That’s soo awesome.  I was getting worried, but now that you say that, it makes me feel so much better!”

Okay.  The conversation would NEVER be that short.  It will be much longer than that.  But, at the same time, the basic principle applies.  You have to make sure you guys are on the same page on a continual basis.  It’s not enough to just have the discussion ONE TIME at the start of the relationship and hope that it will never change.  That’s just wishful thinking, and is completely contradictory to what reality yields most of the time.

Within that, I DO realize, however, that sometimes people might lie about how they feel.  Or maybe sometimes they may just legitimately be confused and not know.  If that’s the case, you have absolutely NO responsibility for that person.  If I ever am confused about whether or not I like someone I feel close to, I don’t blame the other person for the situation.  I realize it’s completely my fault and accept full responsibility, so as such, I suffer the consequences of my own idiocy.

But in general…maintaining close friendships is a good practice, when it comes to cross gender interaction.  And it can be a viable means to keep close relationships with the opposite gender.  The only thing is, if ever the position of one person in the relationship changes, then you have to abandon the relationship, or decide to give it a shot, and get together.  It’s just straight up CRUEL if you make someone be your friend even though they like you.  That’s like, torture.  TORTURE!

I’ve heard the stories countless amounts of times, and I’m sure you have, too.  As a matter of fact, maybe you’re in one of them right now.  Two naive and innocent “friends” think, believe, and hope that their gender difference will not play a part in their interaction.  Yet, as a result of unguarded feelings and a couple of intimate nights, one of them (not both) suddenly begins to see the other in a new light.  “Oh my…I never realized Susie has such bbbiiiggggg…..feet!  Man.  I’ve never see her naked feet before!  NOTHING turns me on more than some hot, big, sexy feet!” the guy thinks.  And with that thought comes crumbling down years and years of friendship.  With that singular thought, disaster strikes.  Because Bob isn’t happy with just being friends anymore.  And this is quite a sad thing, beause, unfortunately, Susie does not reciprocate those feelings.  As a matter of fact.  She straight up thinks Bob is fugly.

Unrequited love…FAIL!

As a disclaimer, I want to say that the kind of relationship I am talking about here is the elusive cross gender “close” relationship.  I’m not talking facebook friends, meet up once in a while and poke each other through facebook relationship.  I’m talking about hanging out and being chummy on almost a day to day basis. With that out of the way, I’m going to answer this question as simply as possible.  I personally believe that, for the most part, the answer is NO.  I believe there is a slight possibility that “yes” is an option (which will be discussed in “Part 2“), however, most of the times when you combine two members of the opposite gender that are not currently dating, and put them in an environment where they are continuously interacting, ONE of them (if not both) will soon develop feelings for the other.  It’s just pretty damn hard not to.

Most of the times, the guy is the one that caves in and develops feelings for the girl.  The reason for this is because, if we go back to the ladder theory, girls will put their guy friends almost permanently on the “friends” ladder, and guys, having only one ladder, usually won’t hang out with a girl on a consistent basis unless they are attracted to her either consciously or subconsciously.  In other words, most of the times, the guy wouldn’t be hanging out with the girl if he didn’t somewhat like her to begin with.

That’s why it’s so often that cross gender relationships end up becoming some sort of real life Korean Drama.  I can imagine it already.  Movie starts.  Director: ME!!  The crowd’s applause is almost deafening…everyone knows who I AM!  I am legendary!   Opening Scene.  In the movie, there’s a guy and girl who are friends.  They do everything together!  There’ll be scenes of them laughing, dancing, going to fairs, eating…all that good stuff!  But the best scene is of them running together in the rain, both  shielded by just one newspaper, that barely succeeds in sheltering them from the onslaught of rain.  They are giggling, in ecstasy, happy and in their own little world.  Two regular “carrots and peas”.  The girl is convinced that this relationship is completely platonic.  But the guy starts looking at her in a new way.  He starts falling in love.  Pretty soon, the guy can’t stop thinking about her…BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM!  There is another guy.  The Alpha Male, whom the girl is madly in love with.  The guy knows this, but the song “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift inspires him to act on his feelings.  Unfortunately for Taylor Swift, BEYONCE HAS ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME!  OF ALL TIME!!!!

Anyways, guy tells the girl that he loves her.  Unfortunately, girl does not feel the same.  She gets mad.  He tries to kiss her, she shoves him away, and starts yelling at him and gets even angrier at him and blames him for trying to ruin their friendship.  She starts running.  It’s in slow motion.  She is crying tears of anger, as she dramatically runs away with make up smothering all over her face.  Her fake eyelashes are falling off.

Guy is all alone now with rain falling down on him.  He doesn’t try to shield himself from the rain anymore, but just soaks it all in.  He watches girl as she runs.  She’s so close…and yet….so far away.  Guy is crying.  These are real tears.  Not just water that is put on his face in between filming.  So sad.

Girl, in a state of rage and confusion, goes to see Alpha Male.  Girl sees Alpha Male kissing another girl.  Girl gets upset.  She runs up to Alpha Male, and slaps him in the face.  Alpha Male looks confused.  Girl is crying now, and runs away.  Rain falling. Girl goes to some secluded corner and starts to think.  Maybe…just maybe…maybe I DO LOVE HIM (Friend)!  SHE REALIZES SHE DOES!  THERE’S HOPE!  IT MIGHT WORK!  GUY TREE CHOPPING STRATEGY MAY PAY OFF.  THE GIRL STARTS RUNNING TO THE GUY WITH THIS REVELATION!  THERE IS EXCITEMENT!  IT’S GOING TO WORK!  GIRL GETS TO GUY’S HOUSE!

Girl tries to open the door.  Guy hears her.  IT JUST MIGHT WORK!  BUT WAIT A SECOND.  OH NO!  Guy has a gun in his hand.  He wants to commit suicide.  AHHHH! (crowd gasps)  Girl doesn’t know!  She asks guy to “OPEN THE DOOR!”  She is excited!  She wants to tell him that she loves him!  She should have yelled it at the door for him to hear!  But for some reason, she wants to see him face to face first.  Stupid movie irony.  Guy yells at girl to “go away”.  He doesn’t want to see her.  Girl runs around to the other side of the house where there is a window so that she can tell him she loves him!  Guy sees her.  He looks at her.  Points the gun at his head.  And before girl can react, pulls the trigger.

GIRL STARTS SCREAMING AND CRYING (it’s not a good korean drama without a good measure of screaming and crying).  SHE STARTS YELLING AT THE WINDOW, FRUITLESSLY.  The blood from the gunshot wound is already drenching the ground.  The girl falls to her knees, weeping.  She cries till there are no more tears, MOANING as she does this.  She lets out one more beastly roar from deep within her soul, yelling JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (That’s Jesus in Korean.  Why did she scream Jesus in Korean?  I don’t know…)

Scene shifts to the funeral.  Girl is coughing.  She is at the funeral crying, but she starts coughing blood.  APPARENTLY SHE HAS PNEUMONIA!  She got it from that night of being outside in the rain!  OH NO!  GIRL IS IN HOSPITAL!  GIRL DIES!  ALPHA MALE DIES CAUSE HE GETS HIT BY A CAR!  ALPHA MALE’S KISSING GIRL DIES CAUSE SHE GETS A HEART ATTACK!  EVERYONE DIES!  Girl gets buried next to her friend as a statement of ironic love…

I AM GENIUS.  WHY HAS MY TALENT NOT BEEN FOUND YET?  WHERE ARE ALL THE MOVIE PRODUCERS?  THEY SHOULD BE KNOCKING AT MY DOOR!!!  SPIELBERG?  BAY?   SOMEONE HIRE ME BABY IM ON A ROLL!

Okay.  Maybe the situation won’ t be THAT dramatic.  BUT HONESTLY.  When there is unrequited love involved, there are some RETARDED things that happen.  And although no one dies, usually, hearts get broken, people get jaded, and feelings get turned upside down.  It sucks.  That’s why, if at all possible, it’s often better to avoid that sort of situation.  It’s good to have friends of the opposite gender, but “close friend” is a difficult sell.