One of my friends recently directed me to this VERY fascinating google phenomenon that is absolutely hilarious. As everyone who uses google regularly knows, based on what you start typing in the search bar, google will “anticipate” what the rest of your statement will be in accordance with popular search topics that contain your proposed beginning. This feature can be very helpful to google users that are extremely lazy and don’t want to type out those last few words to finish their thought.  Instead, they scroll down to their desired question and BAM, instantaneous google success.

However, when we start typing in different phrasings to try and understand what guys and girls expect from each other, we get some rather interesting results.  I’m going to post up some screen shots from some google searches, and show you what the most commonly searched topics are…

Look at what a girlfriend primarily wants from her boyfriend. There is literally only ONE reference to something sexual. Everything else, topically, involves emotional connection, romance, and love. However…

Here is the search result from the perspective of the male. FOUR TOPICS ARE SEXUALLY related. Okay, OBVIOUSLY this is not that much of a surprise for most people. It’s not like this wasn’t EXPECTED. It’s completely common knowledge that guys are generally more concerned with superficial elements of relationship, whereas girls are primarily concerned with deeper things like marriage.

But I find this absolutely fascinating anyways! And the reason why I find it fascinating is because it speaks so loudly about cross gender interaction in the 21st century, and why it’s become so difficult for men and women to communicate at times. These google searches completely validate the ladder theory on every level! I mean damn! How many guys had to search “how do I get my girlfriend to lose weight” for it to be the SECOND MOST searched topic after…

DAMN!!!

That’s pretty jacked up! But at the same time the weight issue is a big deal for many guys out there! And honestly, I believe for girls as well (although most of the times definitely more so for guys). Now, this DOESN’T mean that you have to be STICK skinny.  A lot of guys that I’ve talked to (except very superficial ones like the guy who posted on my comment about wanting to date Sloan from Entourage, who, even though saying this makes me a hypocrite, is SOOO FREAKING HOT) don’t actually want a girl that is SUPER SUPER stick skinny. I personally don’t. I think too skinny can be quite a turn off. To be honest, for me, even chubby is not that big of a deal (although not all guys are going to agree on this one, this is personal preference). But at the same time, when it comes to most people, RESEARCH shows that when someone has a choice between  someone obese or someone on the skinnier side, most people would not choose someone who’s more overweight.

Guys OR girls wouldn’t. It’s just so culturally ingrained in a lot of us through mediums like media! It’s nothing against people who choose to live a lifestyle of obesity. If you’re happy with your weight, then screw the rest of society and the world, and just live your life in happiness. Honestly, who cares because there ARE a few real gems out there that genuinely don’t care about these things, and I hope that you guys find those people. For most people, though, this is a really tough issue. On one hand you really don’t want to care, on another hand you can’t help it. Man! I wish I didn’t care! But I care!  I want to marry Sloan. Fudge. She’s hot.

But then we get into the heart essence of what is important in maintaining a relationship and making it work. You know, things like trust, mutual appreciation, marriage (ultimately), romance, love…etc. and this google search essentially incriminates all men of being sub-par (if not incompetent) in those areas. For women, the NUMBER one thing they are concerned with is marriage, according to google search. Yes, the sexual element does come second, but that’s the ONLY SEXUAL element that is even on the board.  The rest are all focused on deep, intimate relationship building elements that transcend superficiality. Damn! Women are the superior gender when it comes to understanding how relationships are REALLY supposed to work! (Although right now some guys who are reading this are protesting this assertion of how relationships are supposed to work…)

And thus, one of the most interesting social phenomenons to date is born: the male and female communication chasm.

Guys and girls in the relationship setting often have a very difficult time communicating because, most of the times, each gender’s relational expectations are so drastically different. And look, this isn’t even really in regards to the sexual issue, because both male and female enjoy sex, and it’s a very natural and necessary component to making a marriage relationship work. But it goes to the deeper essence of why either gender searches out the topics that they search.  You see because according to google search, guys are much more superficial than girls, and the things that make most guys happy are very basic pleasures of life. You know, simple things like…

And GIRLS, on the other hand, want something SO much deeper in a relationship. They want an emotional connection that implies “forever”. That’s why the diamond ring has ripped off millions of men since some stupid moronic idiot decided to link it with marriage.  Whoever did that should be shot! Freaking thousands of dollars for a piece of stupid jewelry that is going to go on a girl’s finger just so she can show the whole world how much her fiance cares about her. MAN! Diamonds are overrated! I want to sit my future potential wife down and watch Blood Diamond together, and use it as a test to see if the girl is worth marrying. If she utters the words, “watching this movie has made me change my mind about wanting a diamond,” THEN IT’S MEANT TO BE! Screw a ceremony, we’ll go straight to Vegas and hit up those drive thru instant marriages, bust out one of those rings from a cracker jack box, and go straight to what really matters!  CONSUMMATION.  of.  vows…

Yes…

Vows.

Okay okay, I’m half kidding. I’m not as against the diamond ring as I appear to be, and honestly, if my future wife wants one then I’ll get her one. Knowing me, I’ll probably break my bank trying to buy her the biggest f’ing diamond that I can find (hint hint, wink wink). But, the whole thing is, the diamond is supposed to represent all the deeper, more meaningful aspects of cross gender relationships, particularly marriage, and it’s no wonder why girls yearn for that symbolic representation of love.

The reason why I write this post, more than anything else, is because I think that both male and female need to work toward better understanding where the other one comes from. Guys need to do a much better job of taking care of a woman’s emotional need, and not fear “marriage” so much.  I know that it’s very hard for a lot of guys to do this, but if you ever want something serious (which, I realize that some guys genuinely don’t and if that’s the case this little bit of exhortation isn’t for you), then you need make an effort to relate to your girlfriend/woman on a much deeper intimate way.  Show her that you love her, romance her, do the little things that you know will make her happy just because she’s important to you. Dude we really gotta work on not being so superficial, and not being such pricks about this!

But at the same time, I think women need to realize that guys can’t help themselves with what they expect on a superficial level.  Yes, I realize that it’s dumb. Yes, I realize that it’s unfortunate it has to be this way. But realistically speaking, if guys are going to try harder to connect with you on a deeper emotional level (which for many guys this is hard to do!), girls have to try harder to connect with guys on their superficial level (as retarded as this may sound it is absolutely true!). DANG. GUYS SUCK. I totally understand where girls come from now.  haha.

Anyways, our expectations are drastically different–we need to find some common ground.

OH MAN.  THIS POST TOOK ME SO LONG TO WRITE.  AND WHAT’S WORSE IS THAT IT IS ONE OF MY MOST CONTROVERSIAL POSTS YET.  PLEASE DON’T HATE, KILL, CRUCIFY, MURDER, BANLIST me from your dating list for writing this post! Honestly, I’m one of those guys (like in 500 Days of Summer) that really believes and embraces marriage. I want to have a deep and meaningful relationship with my future wife that goes MUCH MUCH deeper than anything superficial. I’m a romantic! I promise! I can be that love romantic guy for you! Really! DAH! Starting this blog has basically screwed my chances with any woman who ever reads my blog. I’m going to have to look elsewhere for my future wife. Alaska, here I come, baby!

ANYWAYS, LET THE PEACE NEGOTIATIONS BEGIN!

Oh, and one final google search find…

HAHAHAH!  MY BOYFRIEND IS IN JAIL IS IN THE TOP TEN!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I believe that the maximum age spread is: guy is 8 years older, or girl is 2 years older.  I know that immediately, especially when it comes to the girl only being 2 years older I’m going to have a lot of raised eyebrows.  Give me an opportunity to explain myself!

First and foremost, the 8 year spread comes with a PREREQUISITE.  The girl MUST be at least 21 years old.  That means that going from 20 (guy age) and 12 (girl age) OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT WORK.  As a matter of fact, that is just sick, and I would kung fu your ass if I ever found out about it.  Unless you are some super buff, athletic 20 year old.  In which case, I would disapprove and judge from afar.  Very afar.

Hah.  I showed you suckah.

But, even in a less extreme example, going from 24-16 is not acceptable.  Not only could that get you into serious trouble (if you have sex it becomes statutory RAPE), but it’s just disturbing and gross on so many levels.  Sort of how 20+ years older with a kid that is your age is gross and disturbing on SOO many levels.

Another thing that I do not support is senior-freshman in high school (which would be roughly 18-14).  Even though that is a 4 year spread, that’s still a risk for statutory as well, and apart from that, SHE JUST GOT OUT OF MIDDLE SCHOOL.  There’s really something wrong with that.  Furthermore, when both parties are so young (pre-college) there is still so much maturing and growing that needs to happen.

NOW, once you hit college, however, I think there’s a “progressively” expanding dating spread that occurs.  At first, when you are a freshman, I think that if you have a girlfriend from high school who is one year younger (or visa versa for the girl), then it’s definitely fine to stay in that relationship.  Honestly, my personal opinion is, “don’t kid yourself, your relationship isn’t going to work”, though.  I remember my first year of college, there were SOOO MANY couples that tried to stay together after one of them graduated and the other stayed behind in high school.   HAHAHA.  I’m not trying to be a jerk, but it was funny watching each of those relationships getting picked off one by one.  The first month, you could hear all the conversations outside in the dorm hallway between the guy and the girl, obviously arguing about “you went out and you didn’t tell me about it!  OMG”.  Second month, GG.  Game over.  Relationships ending by the dozens!  Girls and guys both crying in the hallways.  It was…really sad.

Okay okay, I’m not trying to be a jerk and enjoy the fact that a bunch of these “once one of them entered college” relationships failed, and I do know that there are the RARE gems that seem to work through even these hardships, but I think I have a deep bitter jadedness toward this because when I entered college both of the girls that I wanted to date (from my dorm) were dating someone from high school.  DAH!  It was so sad.  I got out-gamed by a high school senior.  That is…until 2 months in…

ANYWAYS, when you enter college, the age spread increases as follows for guys, and the girls side stays consistent (2 years down, X years up):

1. Freshman Year (18-19 Years Old): 1 year younger (you must have been dating before you entered college) and 2 years older (although if you get a junior as a freshman, STUD!)
2. Second Year (19-20 years old): 1 year younger (You cannot dip back into high school anymore you disgusting..) and 2 years older (although, once again, if you can get a senior as a sophomore, STUD!!!)
3. Third Year (20-21 years old): 2 years younger (Although, you should wait for the end of freshman year to give the girl some time to mature) and 2 years older (ONCE AGAIN!  GRADUATE!?  STUD!!!)
4. Fourth Year (21-22 years old): 2 years younger (You better not be dipping back into freshman…they’re basically HIGH SCHOOLERS until after they finish their first year…) and 2 years older (not as much of the stud as the top three situations, but still!  STUDLY my friend)
5. First Year out of College (22-23 years old): 3 years younger (Although, that third year is stretching it…it’s not as bad imo) and 2 years older (now you do not get the “stud” label since you graduated, and she’s graduated).
6. Second Year out of College (23-24 years old): 3 years younger, 2 years older
7. Third Year out of College (24-25): 4 years younger (by now, even if you dipped back into college the girl should be a senior and therefore I believe mature enough to handle a serious relationship), 2 years older

You guys should get the idea now.  The cap is obviously 8 years younger and 2 years older.  I personally believe that once a girl is a senior in college, it’s fair game (up until you’re 8 years older as a guy).  My reasoning for this is because I believe that if you ever start dating the girl, you can date for 1 year (while she’s in school), and then once she graduates, start getting ready for marriage.  In my opinion, 1 year is all you need to “date” to figure out if it makes sense.  I think you go through all the “seasons” of a relationship during a 1 year period, and usually 1 year of dating is followed by 1 year of engagement.

I want to clarify here that this is the CAP, and not the norm.  I don’t think it’s NORMAL for girls who are 8 years younger to date guys who are 8 years older.  But, if it had to happen, I think anymore than this is ridiculous.  OBVIOUSLY, if you can keep the age gap closer, that would be ideal.  I think for me, the “IDEAL” is a 2-4 year spread.

Now, this is where I give my reasons why I accept this age spread.  I believe that a guy should be older than the girl he dates, generally.  Now I know that that’s not a “set rule”, and nowadays you get the Demi Moore and Aston Kutcher coupling that DEFIES all regular logic.  However, I think it’s just practical for a guy to be older.  The reasons why I believe this go back to, what in essence, makes a guy “go” and what makes a woman “go”.  These ideas are primarily found in the book You Just Don’t Understand by Deborah Tannen.  I’m paraphrasing and summarizing like mad here, but I think her ultimate position is that guys desire for respect (one up each other), and girls desire to be loved (have community).  I think most of us can agree that this is a true statement to a certain extent…and it doesn’t mean that guys don’t want to be loved, and girls don’t want to be respected.  What it means is that when it REALLY boils down to it, what gets us going (guys) is a desire/thirst for respect and success, whereas for girls, there is a much deeper imbedded community/love aspect.  It’s easier to love on a girl (especially if your love language is GIFTS) when you’re older and have more money, and it’s easier to respect a guy if the guy is older than you and has more experience, knowledge, and wisdom in life.

There are always exceptions to the rule, but on the norm, I think that this is a true statement.  Within that regard, when the girl is older, it’s generally harder for the girl to respect a guy who’s younger, unless the guy is REALLY mature and has everything together.  This is because with age comes more experience, wisdom, and understanding.  So I think that’s why it’s generally difficult to go beyond the “girl is 2 years older” spread.  Can it happen?  Sure.  Am I opposed to it?  Not really.  But, I think when we consider these dynamics, it’s hard to go beyond 2 years.

I realize that another thing my “escalating” age gap portrays is the reality that guys (as they get older) increase their pool of potential while girls (as they get older) decrease their pool of potential.  All I gotta say to that is, if you’re a girl and you have a problem with it, BY ALL MEANS date 8 years younger!  I’m ALL about equality here!  Are there any thirty two year olds out there with tons of money, single, and looking for a mature male?

You be my suga momma, and I’ll be your boo.

VOMIT.

This is a standalone post that covers primarily the concept of Friendship Maintenance.  However, in order to get the full picture, read Part 1 Here.  It’s hard to argue with the Korean Drama argument of why close guy and girl friendship would never work. However, I think that SOMETIMES, with careful “maintenance”, cross gender friendship CAN work.  This is actually a pretty new revelation for me.  I used to be COMPLETELY opposed to this.  But, lately, I’ve been much more open to the idea, even though I still believe that you have to play this very carefully.  Relational boundaries are a tricky thing to establish and maintain on a cross gender level.

I guess I had better explain what friendship maintenance is.  Friendship maintenance is an open line of communication between the guy and the girl to make sure they are both still on the same page throughout the course of their relationship.  Whereas DTR is the first discussion that establishes the relationship as what it is, friendship maintenance happens continuously as the relationship progresses.  Friendship maintenance happens AFTER DTR.  In the DTR you’ve already determined that you are going to be “just friends”.  Friendship maintenance is the means by which you ensure that that reality never changes.

The important thing about friendship maintenance, however is that you have to be as STRAIGHT FORWARD as possible.  SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK.  Subtle hints are WAY too easy to morph into what YOU want to believe and not what was actually said.  For instance, even something like this.  If a girl hints her position to a guy by saying something like, “oh Bob, you and I are such good friends, I wouldn’t change what we have for the world!”  The guy will usually interpret it as…”SHE’S SO INTO ME.  WE’RE GOOD FRIENDS.  SHE WANTS TO DATE ME.  MAYBE I SHOULD KISS HER NOW.”

That’s just the way of the world.  People hear what they WANT to hear, not what is actually said.  Especially when it comes to dating issues.  You want to believe and hope for the best case scenario, and when you leave comments so open ended, imaginations run wild.  I talk to soo many people who say, “BUT I THOUGHT HE/SHE KNEW!  I GAVE THEM SOO MANY SUGGESTIONS THAT I DIDN’T LIKE THEM!”  Hah.  You fail.

Anyways, the way to manage close relationships (and ensure that you can keep them) is to constantly reinforce this principle of friendship maintenance.  This type of maintenance should be done when needed (if you feel a “shift” in the emotional landscape of the relationship).  A “shift” may be something as simple as a night that just felt unusually “emotionally charged”, or it could be that you just feel like the relationship is progressing and you’re getting closer, so before you take “the next step” to a deeper and more serious relationship, you need to “maintain” the relationship and make sure you’re on the same page.

Let me try to give a real life example.  Guy and girl are friends.  They feel like they are getting “closer”.  They’ve already been through the DTR, but at the same time, they can’t help but feel that they are getting a lot closer these days than they ever were.  Therefore, guy or girl (either one) starts to get concerned cause they do not want to progress the relationship until they feel secure that there is nothing more than just a “friends” sort of commitment.  So then, they “talk things over”.  It’s not ambiguous at all.  They CONFIRM with each other, openly and honestly, how they feel about each other.

Guy: “Hey, I feel like we’ve been getting closer…I just need to make sure we’re on the same page.  Please be honest with me and tell me the truth so that I can best guard YOUR heart and MY heart.  Do you like me as “more than a friend”?”

Girl: “Well, first of all, yea…I’ve been sort of feeling the same about us getting closer and getting worried.  I’m glad you talked to me about this, to make sure things are okay with us!  Well, on my part, I definitely do not see you in that way.  I see you as a brother in christ, and really cherish our friendship!”

Guy: “REALLY?  Man!  ME TOO!  That’s soo awesome.  I was getting worried, but now that you say that, it makes me feel so much better!”

Okay.  The conversation would NEVER be that short.  It will be much longer than that.  But, at the same time, the basic principle applies.  You have to make sure you guys are on the same page on a continual basis.  It’s not enough to just have the discussion ONE TIME at the start of the relationship and hope that it will never change.  That’s just wishful thinking, and is completely contradictory to what reality yields most of the time.

Within that, I DO realize, however, that sometimes people might lie about how they feel.  Or maybe sometimes they may just legitimately be confused and not know.  If that’s the case, you have absolutely NO responsibility for that person.  If I ever am confused about whether or not I like someone I feel close to, I don’t blame the other person for the situation.  I realize it’s completely my fault and accept full responsibility, so as such, I suffer the consequences of my own idiocy.

But in general…maintaining close friendships is a good practice, when it comes to cross gender interaction.  And it can be a viable means to keep close relationships with the opposite gender.  The only thing is, if ever the position of one person in the relationship changes, then you have to abandon the relationship, or decide to give it a shot, and get together.  It’s just straight up CRUEL if you make someone be your friend even though they like you.  That’s like, torture.  TORTURE!

I’ve heard the stories countless amounts of times, and I’m sure you have, too.  As a matter of fact, maybe you’re in one of them right now.  Two naive and innocent “friends” think, believe, and hope that their gender difference will not play a part in their interaction.  Yet, as a result of unguarded feelings and a couple of intimate nights, one of them (not both) suddenly begins to see the other in a new light.  “Oh my…I never realized Susie has such bbbiiiggggg…..feet!  Man.  I’ve never see her naked feet before!  NOTHING turns me on more than some hot, big, sexy feet!” the guy thinks.  And with that thought comes crumbling down years and years of friendship.  With that singular thought, disaster strikes.  Because Bob isn’t happy with just being friends anymore.  And this is quite a sad thing, beause, unfortunately, Susie does not reciprocate those feelings.  As a matter of fact.  She straight up thinks Bob is fugly.

Unrequited love…FAIL!

As a disclaimer, I want to say that the kind of relationship I am talking about here is the elusive cross gender “close” relationship.  I’m not talking facebook friends, meet up once in a while and poke each other through facebook relationship.  I’m talking about hanging out and being chummy on almost a day to day basis. With that out of the way, I’m going to answer this question as simply as possible.  I personally believe that, for the most part, the answer is NO.  I believe there is a slight possibility that “yes” is an option (which will be discussed in “Part 2“), however, most of the times when you combine two members of the opposite gender that are not currently dating, and put them in an environment where they are continuously interacting, ONE of them (if not both) will soon develop feelings for the other.  It’s just pretty damn hard not to.

Most of the times, the guy is the one that caves in and develops feelings for the girl.  The reason for this is because, if we go back to the ladder theory, girls will put their guy friends almost permanently on the “friends” ladder, and guys, having only one ladder, usually won’t hang out with a girl on a consistent basis unless they are attracted to her either consciously or subconsciously.  In other words, most of the times, the guy wouldn’t be hanging out with the girl if he didn’t somewhat like her to begin with.

That’s why it’s so often that cross gender relationships end up becoming some sort of real life Korean Drama.  I can imagine it already.  Movie starts.  Director: ME!!  The crowd’s applause is almost deafening…everyone knows who I AM!  I am legendary!   Opening Scene.  In the movie, there’s a guy and girl who are friends.  They do everything together!  There’ll be scenes of them laughing, dancing, going to fairs, eating…all that good stuff!  But the best scene is of them running together in the rain, both  shielded by just one newspaper, that barely succeeds in sheltering them from the onslaught of rain.  They are giggling, in ecstasy, happy and in their own little world.  Two regular “carrots and peas”.  The girl is convinced that this relationship is completely platonic.  But the guy starts looking at her in a new way.  He starts falling in love.  Pretty soon, the guy can’t stop thinking about her…BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM!  There is another guy.  The Alpha Male, whom the girl is madly in love with.  The guy knows this, but the song “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift inspires him to act on his feelings.  Unfortunately for Taylor Swift, BEYONCE HAS ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME!  OF ALL TIME!!!!

Anyways, guy tells the girl that he loves her.  Unfortunately, girl does not feel the same.  She gets mad.  He tries to kiss her, she shoves him away, and starts yelling at him and gets even angrier at him and blames him for trying to ruin their friendship.  She starts running.  It’s in slow motion.  She is crying tears of anger, as she dramatically runs away with make up smothering all over her face.  Her fake eyelashes are falling off.

Guy is all alone now with rain falling down on him.  He doesn’t try to shield himself from the rain anymore, but just soaks it all in.  He watches girl as she runs.  She’s so close…and yet….so far away.  Guy is crying.  These are real tears.  Not just water that is put on his face in between filming.  So sad.

Girl, in a state of rage and confusion, goes to see Alpha Male.  Girl sees Alpha Male kissing another girl.  Girl gets upset.  She runs up to Alpha Male, and slaps him in the face.  Alpha Male looks confused.  Girl is crying now, and runs away.  Rain falling. Girl goes to some secluded corner and starts to think.  Maybe…just maybe…maybe I DO LOVE HIM (Friend)!  SHE REALIZES SHE DOES!  THERE’S HOPE!  IT MIGHT WORK!  GUY TREE CHOPPING STRATEGY MAY PAY OFF.  THE GIRL STARTS RUNNING TO THE GUY WITH THIS REVELATION!  THERE IS EXCITEMENT!  IT’S GOING TO WORK!  GIRL GETS TO GUY’S HOUSE!

Girl tries to open the door.  Guy hears her.  IT JUST MIGHT WORK!  BUT WAIT A SECOND.  OH NO!  Guy has a gun in his hand.  He wants to commit suicide.  AHHHH! (crowd gasps)  Girl doesn’t know!  She asks guy to “OPEN THE DOOR!”  She is excited!  She wants to tell him that she loves him!  She should have yelled it at the door for him to hear!  But for some reason, she wants to see him face to face first.  Stupid movie irony.  Guy yells at girl to “go away”.  He doesn’t want to see her.  Girl runs around to the other side of the house where there is a window so that she can tell him she loves him!  Guy sees her.  He looks at her.  Points the gun at his head.  And before girl can react, pulls the trigger.

GIRL STARTS SCREAMING AND CRYING (it’s not a good korean drama without a good measure of screaming and crying).  SHE STARTS YELLING AT THE WINDOW, FRUITLESSLY.  The blood from the gunshot wound is already drenching the ground.  The girl falls to her knees, weeping.  She cries till there are no more tears, MOANING as she does this.  She lets out one more beastly roar from deep within her soul, yelling JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (That’s Jesus in Korean.  Why did she scream Jesus in Korean?  I don’t know…)

Scene shifts to the funeral.  Girl is coughing.  She is at the funeral crying, but she starts coughing blood.  APPARENTLY SHE HAS PNEUMONIA!  She got it from that night of being outside in the rain!  OH NO!  GIRL IS IN HOSPITAL!  GIRL DIES!  ALPHA MALE DIES CAUSE HE GETS HIT BY A CAR!  ALPHA MALE’S KISSING GIRL DIES CAUSE SHE GETS A HEART ATTACK!  EVERYONE DIES!  Girl gets buried next to her friend as a statement of ironic love…

I AM GENIUS.  WHY HAS MY TALENT NOT BEEN FOUND YET?  WHERE ARE ALL THE MOVIE PRODUCERS?  THEY SHOULD BE KNOCKING AT MY DOOR!!!  SPIELBERG?  BAY?   SOMEONE HIRE ME BABY IM ON A ROLL!

Okay.  Maybe the situation won’ t be THAT dramatic.  BUT HONESTLY.  When there is unrequited love involved, there are some RETARDED things that happen.  And although no one dies, usually, hearts get broken, people get jaded, and feelings get turned upside down.  It sucks.  That’s why, if at all possible, it’s often better to avoid that sort of situation.  It’s good to have friends of the opposite gender, but “close friend” is a difficult sell.

Multi Basket Methodology is, in simplified form, basically “keeping your options open”.  The way that this dating methodology works is that you are discouraged from “putting all your eggs in one” basket until there is an ACTUAL reason for you to do this.  Honestly, the putting all your eggs in one basket methodology is a very high schoolish type of mentality.  The whole “OH MY GOD SHE’S/HE’S SOO CUTE I HAVE SUCH A BIG CRUSH ON HER/HIM.”  Basically, when people do this, what they do is they go “all in” on one specific person BEFORE ANY interest is even ESTABLISHED!  That means before the hopeful romantic even TALKS to the person of their affection about whether or not there is a possibility, they start OBSESSING (Yes, stalking, facebook stalking, dreaming, hoping, praying, whatever) about the girl/guy as if they are already dating.

THE PROBLEM with this is that MOST of the times the fact that you are OBSESSING is the VERY principle by which you are probably NEVER going to get the person you set your affections on.  Guys and girls alike can sniff desperation, and usually run away from it quicker than you can say, “BUT, I LOVE YOU!!!!”

There are TWO problems with putting too much money in one stock.  The first problem is that if you even GET the girl/guy that you are hoping for, 9 out of 10 times the relationship will be lopsided.  You will not believe how many people I’ve talked to that say they are only in this relationship because the guy didn’t want to give up.  However, you can CLEARLY tell that they don’t actually LIKE the guy that much.  Honestly, if nothing else, that’s just SAD.  I mean…I realize that in most relationship, one person is going to like the other more…but when it’s THIS LOPSIDED, it’s just SAD for BOTH sides.  “Yea, I’m dating so and so, but she doesn’t actually love me, but WHO CARES CAUSE I GOT HER!”  I bet that’s what some of these guys who used the tree chopping method are thinking.  But wow.  Really?  You’ve also won a possible future affair or divorce.  CONGRATULATIONS.

The second reason why putting all your money in one stock can be a problem is because most of the times, YOU WILL FAIL.  Meaning, you will put all this money in one stock, and then you will quickly learn that the stock has NO ROMANTIC feelings for you whatsoever, and then you’re left with no money.  SUCKS TO BE YOU.

Therefore, the Multi Basket Methodology, to avoid such horrible outcomes, promotes the idea of developing “interest” in people instead of having “crushes” on them.  What is interest?  Interest is simply establishing “dateableness”.  What that means is, you keep your eye open for guys/girls that you believe you could connect with if you actually invested time into each other as people.  You NEVER fully commit to that “guy/girl” during this “interest” phase.  As a matter of fact, you have this same “interest” with a lot of different guys/girls, (however developing too much interest for too many guys/girls probably means you’re HELLA DESPRATE and as such you will probably fail even this methodology) and then from there, you throw out bait and see which fish gets hooked.  The Multi Basket Methodology banks on the principle that there are indeed plenty of fish in the sea, so you can afford to throw out a few lines and see who bites first.

So it would look something like this.  Guy X develops interest (not LIKES but just INTEREST) for Girl Y and Girl Z.  Guy X doesn’t commit himself fully to either, but simply talks to them and gets to know them better (not by much cause then you might start liking them).  Guy X throws out “interest” indicators, such as “hey, do you want to hang out, maybe grab some dinner sometime?”  One of the two girls “bites” the bait.  Girl Y says she would like to have dinner.  Guy X goes to dinner with Girl Y.  At dinner, Guy X expresses his interest for Girl Y.  Girl Y tells Guy X that she, as well, is “interested”.  Then, at this point, and THIS POINT ONLY, you start putting your eggs in this basket.  Not ALL at once, cause ultimately you don’t know if it’ll work yet.  You date each other, and find out if it MAKES SENSE.  You pray, ask God, everything is all good, and then you say “I do” at the alter, and now all your eggs are in one basket.  But it didn’t START that way.  It BECAME that way.

This is an effective strategy cause it protects your heart.  You don’t invest in a person until you know that the stock is ACTUALLY worth investing in.  People who invest too prematurely mostly end up screwed at the end.

However, in another scenario, if both Girl Y and Girl Z express interest, you can do what one of my friend’s did.  Take them on a date together (you stud), and see how they handle the situation.  watch them claw each other’s eyes out.  maybe throw some mud in  pool, bust out one piece swimming suits and let them go at it.  SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST BABY!

There are some people who often make SUCH A BIG DEAL about dating as if it were somehow automatically correlated to marriage.  However, the reality of the matter is, DATING does NOT mean that you are signing up to marry the person you are dating.  HONESTLY.  SCREW JOSHUA HARRIS (some guy who wrote a book called “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”).  All dating means is that you want to spend time with an individual to see if it makes sense on a completely platonic basis.  Meaning apart from the interest you have for each other, do you even make SENSE on a practical level?  Do you guys complement each other?  Is there something more than just puppy love that’ll keep you guys together in the long run?  Dating is so practical, and oftentimes SO necessary!  And yet, because of the Joshua Harris curse, we somehow loathe and fear dating.  That just frustrates me!

In this post, I’m going to cover some of my own real life experiences to articulate my point.   I dated a caucasian girl in second grade.  That’s right, as an asian man, I crossed the ethnic barrier.  I win.  Her name is Elizabeth.  I don’t remember her last name.  She was the first girl that I ever kissed, cause that girl ALWAYS wanted to kiss me.  I remember when we went out for recess, she would always want to sneak into a back corner and kiss.  Honestly, at that time, I was really like “WTF!?”.  It’s not like I even really understood why people kiss, or what to do with it.  She tried to stick her tongue down my mouth one time, and I had no idea why she wanted to do that.  Wow.  What a girl…I mean, she wanted to kiss.  So we would kiss.

But then she moved away to San Diego.  It was a really really sad day when that happened.  I bought her this little rose thing and gave it to her when she left.  I’ve ALWAYS wondered what happened to her.  What if she’s some super hot girl now, and we will meet in like…one more year, and she’s a super crazy christian and we see each other and we instantaneously FALL IN LOVE!?  IT CAN HAPPEN GUYS.  I BELIEVE.  PRAY FOR ME!  IT CAN HAPPEN!

But yea…that was my “childhood” crush.

Anyways, since most of you guys will probably not allow me to count my girlfriend in 2nd grade, let me cover the girls that I’ve actually dated apart from that, or at least three relationships that I feel like were important and that I learned a lot from.  I’m going to leave names out of this, just in case……

Let me start off by clarifying what dating is NOT.  During my second year of college, I developed probably the most significant relationship I’ve had with a female so far.  She was, in my head, everything that I thought I wanted.  So I committed basically ALL of myself to this girl even before we started “dating”.   She was the first girl that I ever really PURSUED diligently. I was going over to her place like all the time, talking to her on the phone till really late…looking back, it was pretty disgusting how much time I spent with her.  This reality was only compounded by the fact that I absolutely DID NOT go to any of my classes.  I think during my time of pursuing her, I went to more of her classes than my classes cause I would go to her classes and take notes for her…

Just kidding.  I’m not that pathetic.  Really.  All I did was write her essays, pluck her armpit hairs, and…basically wear the short leash with a misplaced sense of pride.  Hindsight Idiot.

But no seriously.  I pursued her like non-other.  Don’t forget that I TRULY BELIEVED that this relationship was from God.  I had “signs”.  I “thought” God spoke to me on numerous occassions that we were meant together.  So, finally, the week before valentine’s day, I asked her out.  I wanted to take her out on valentines, and OMG if you knew the things that I had planned for her.  I LITERALLY BROKE MY BANK to make the night happened.  I spent about 600 dollars, almost all my financial aid money.  Nothing like good ol’ loan money to make valentines day possible!  I had a four part plan for the night.

#1. I bought her two dozen roses and a stuffed animal.  Now, if you know anything about valentines day, ROSES ON VALENTINES DAY IS JUST STRAIGHT UP THE BIGGEST RIP OFF EVER.  I spent literally 150 Dollars on TWO DOZEN ROSES.  WTF!?  I had the roses all in the trunk of my car, with the stuffed animal on top.  I knew she would have to put her keyboard in my “trunk”, so I knew I could “surprise” her without much effort.  The scheme worked.  She opened the trunk to a pleasant surprise.  Who’s the man?

#2. Afterwards, I drove her to this restaurant called Moonshadows.  It was a restaurant in Malibu, the place where Mel Gibson got in trouble for his Jewish racial slurs.  Anyways, the awesome thing about Moonshadows is that it’s RIGHT next to the beach, so, because we got there early, we snuck onto the very private beaches of Malibu, and walked hand in hand while the sun was SETTING.  It seriously couldn’t have been more perfect…there was NO ONE ELSE around, the sun was setting BEAUTIFULLY, and we were kissing as the sun was going down.  EAT YOUR HEART OUT ROMANTIC SAPS!  It was a scene from a movie, no joke.

#3. After we ate dinner at Moonshadows, which cost me $200!!!  I had planned to take her go-karting.  I knew that she liked it, so I drove ALL the way back to Diamond Bar (because I had another plan after go-karting), and we basically raced each other on go-karts.  It was a fun ol’time, but the real reason why I was in diamond bar was because I had spent the entire morning planning the final part of the night.

#4. That morning, I had spent a couple hours making chocolate covered strawberries.  I made about two dozen of them.  I talked to my friend who is familiar with the area, and he told me that he knows a spot I could take her.  I recruited him to help me out with it.  It was this spot on the top of a “mountain” where you could literally see the entire city.  My friend did a really great job of setting it up, he put these candles in the huge shape of a heart, and laid out some blankets for us with my chocolate covered strawberries right dab in the middle.  The sky was VERY clear, and the night was seriously beautiful.  It was really funny cause I tried to take her up the hill on my back, but I couldn’t hack it, so half the way up I had to make her walk up with me holding her hand (cause she was blindfolded).  HAHAHA.  It was pretty funny in retrospect.  “Sorry babe, you’re too heavy, you’re going to have to walk.”

Anyways, we got to the top, and I took off the blindfold, and sure enough, she literally started tearing up.  Honestly, even I was impressed with myself.  The night couldn’t have gone more perfect.  KODAK moment x 100.

Literally, the next week after that (technically the second week that we were actually DATING), she told me that she loved me.  Both of us thought “this was it”.  As a matter of fact, I was convinced that she would be my wife.  We were talking about it VERY early in the relationship, the logistics of how we would get married.  I would pray about it often.  I really, really, really believed we would marry.

But we didn’t marry.  Obviously.  And so I sort of learned my lesson the hard way…I put too much stock, too early, into this person that I didn’t even really know yet.

And during the course of our relationship, especially near the end, it became more and more obvious than on a lot of practical levels, our relationship wasn’t going to work.  I wanted to be a minister, she wanted nothing to do with it.  I’, the kind of guy who likes to take care of my girlfriends, she’s the kind of girl that likes to be independent.  It really became difficult at the end cause I knew that I was demanding too much from her, and it strained the relationship.  But I learned my lesson.  You can’t invest too much at the start!  That’s why I think the whole idea of “courtship” is so retarded.  That’s basically an “all in” mentality RIGHT from the beginning.  But what if you guys just DON’T WORK?  Then you’re basically stuck to some retarded ideology that you’re supposed to MAKE it work because “God wants it that way.”  That’s dumb.  Date the girl/guy, and see if it works on a basic human level.

After this long relationship, there was this other girl from a club that I went to.  Because I had learned from the previous experience, I approached this relationship with a lot more care.  We never let the relationship progress to something that serious. Both of us were cautious, and both of us knew that we were just testing the waters to see if it worked.  I quickly learned that she is a prime example of why it’s important to date!  I mean, she’s a great girl, don’t get me wrong.  But we were just NOT GOING to happen.  There was ABSOLUTELY no way.  We were just two COMPLETELY different people, and it made absolutely no sense.  She was SUPER independent, didn’t want kids, and was a bit stubborn.  If you know anything about me, an intensely stubborn girl is just not going to mesh with my personality.

We “dated” for like 2 months, and trust me, I am sooo glad that we did.  If we hadn’t dated, there is NO way I would have known that we would not work.  Cause I honestly thought she was perfect for me before we started dating.  If I jumped into the relationship, and went “all in” too early, it could have been a disaster.

There were others, but the point that I want to make is that dating realllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyy helps in determining whether it makes sense or not on a practical level.  That’s ALL dating is.  Yes, I do realize that you invest some of your emotion into that person.  Yes, I do realize that breaking up sucks.  But honestly, it’s better than being in a marriage that you’re going to regret.

I talked to my friend Anita yesterday, and she was telling me a theory that a local Pastor, Jon Ngai promotes about “progressive peace”.  The idea of progressive peace is that when you start dating someone, you have this “progressive peace” that comes over you about the relationship.  I really like and embrace that idea.  But the key is, it takes dating to experience this “progressive peace”.  And you know what, sometimes it’ll be the opposite.  Sometimes, you’ll realize it doesn’t make sense.  And trust me, during those times, you’ll be pretty damned glad you didn’t kiss dating goodbye.

This is my friend’s story of how she got married.  I love it.

“My husband daniel and i met and went on a date because he was interested in me…he asked me out for coffee. simple as that.  I thought he was nice. I thought coffee sounded good. So i went. I became interested as we talked. We started dating…fell in love as we got to know each other..eventually got married.”  That simple.  Progressive peace in action.

Here’s an interesting concept in the dating world, The Ladder Theory. The ladder theory is ultimately quite simple: men have one ladder, women have two ladders. The ladder represents our willingness to “date” someone. For instance, the higher someone is on the ladder, the more likely we are to date them. The lower they are, unfortunately, the less likely we would ever consider pursuing a relationship with them.

If both male and female had one ladder, it would make things infinitely easier! However, girls have both a friend’s ladder and a “potential” ladder, whereas guys put all their cross gender relationships on the same ladder.

Basically, when a girl meets Guy X and Guy Y, she quickly evaluates both and then determines that Guy X is a guy she sees as someone she could “hook up” with while Guy Y is a guy she would never hook up with. As a result of these conclusions, each guy finds a spot on their respective ladders. Guy X is on the “potential ladder”, and Guy Y is on the “friends ladder”.

Here’s the kicker, the part that (for many guys) sucks a heck of a lot in this theory. The Girl, generally speaking, is willing to spend just as much time and show just as much affection toward the guys on her friend’s ladder as she does with the guys on her potential ladder. The reason this sucks is because the guy who’s on the friend’s ladder can’t tell whether the girl is interested or not, because she’s willing to invest and spend so much time with him!

To make matters worse, the girl usually fails to adequately notify Guy Y that he is only a “friend”. This is usually because girls really likes the attention that Guy Y’s would give her.  She is in denial that he “likes her”, and puts off confronting that reality as long as possible.  Because of this lack of communication, the guy on the friend’s ladder begins to shamelessly pursue this girl only to find out to his horrible misery that…SYKE. He got dissed. And he fails. At life. Sucks to be the guy on the friend’s ladder.

Guys on the potential ladder can usually make a move successfully on the girl, unless he does something stupid that turns the girl off.

Now, on the other side, guys have only one ladder. These are the rules: when a guy meets a girl, she is either on the top of the ladder, or the bottom of the ladder.

Although this seems similar to the girl’s ladder, the key difference is that girls on the bottom of his ladder will not get “special attention”. As a matter of fact, guys really only spend a huge amount of time with girls on the top of their ladder. Furthermore, while guys can almost never make it from the “friends ladder” to the “potential ladder”, girls adjust positions on the one ladder a lot easier based on which girl gives the guy the most attention.

So in summary, girls, when they first meet a guy places him on one of the two ladders: friend, or potential. Guys place a girl on the top or bottom. Girls can shift positions on the ladder, but guys are pretty much stuck on whatever ladder they start on. Good luck and happy hunting!