DTR (Defining the relationship), is “talking” to the guy/girl of potential romantic interest and “communicating” with them what your intent in this relationship is. Do you want to date? Do you see him/her as just a friend? DTR is a very, very important communication requirement in any relationship where the possibility of romance exists. Previous to the actual “DTR” conversation, questions such as, “WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON HERE!?” are very common for both the guy and the girl.

Here are some basic guidelines for WHEN, WHY and HOW DTR needs to happen.

When: DTR usually occurs somewhere in the 2 week to 1 month stage of a relationship that has been picking up momentum.  That means that if you are hanging out with a girl/guy more than you used to over a relatively short period of time, and both of you guys (or one) are wondering “what is going on?”, you need to have DTR.  If you wait longer than 1 month to do this, it becomes more and more awkward/difficult to execute.  Furthermore, you allow any feelings (if either party has them) to develop uninhibited.  That can be dangerous. Guys in particular, remember that based on the ladder theory, the girl should already know whether or not she even likes you.

How: The way you do DTR is quite simple.  You can do it over a number of communication methods.  My suggestion is to pick the method that best suits the relationship.  For instance, if you guys are primarily communicating through telephone, or if there is a distance barrier, execute DTR through the telephone.  If you guys primarily communicate in real life, execute DTR in person.  Honestly, even FACEBOOK and EMAIL in the 21st century are VERY viable means of how you can do DTR.  The days of “do it in person!” are LONG gone.  Use whatever method that works!  WHO CARES.  You have plenty of time to be romantic later if you guys end up dating.  People put too much stock in “doing things” in person.

Personally, I think you’re a sissy boy if you don’t do it in person.  But hey.  Whatever works.  Just kidding.  I’ve done plenty of DTR’s through other means than “in person”.   And I am not a sissy boy.  I hope…

In DTR, you have to make sure you are as clear as possible.  ONCE AGAIN THIS IS IMPERATIVE!  These are examples of being clear:

1. I like you romantically and want to pursue a relationship
2. I do not like you romantically because you are ugly.
3. I want to be friends with you and nothing more till the day we die.
4. I do not want to be friends with you because you are ugly.
5. I want to get married with you right now so that we can contribute to world overpopulation immediately!  (Call me).

These are examples of NOT being clear:

1. I like you as a friend.  (Because, then, all the other person hears is the first part “I Like You”…)
2. I only want to be friends for now.  (OMG!  You’ve just given the other person hope!)
3. I do not want to get married with you.  (Just AVOID the word MARRIAGE/MARRIED/MARRY/MARY during the DTR conversation if you do not like the other person because ALL those words, no matter what context they are used, can be FATAL!  FATAL I TELL YOU!)
4. I’m not really looking for anything right now. (YOU LOVE ME AND WHEN YOU’RE READY I’M GOING TO POUNCE ON YOU BABY!)

That my friends, is DTR.  Are you a friend that feels we need to have DTR sometime in the near future?  You know how to reach me.  I’m getting old, man.  Desperate. It’s getting so bad that I might just take what I can get.

I know a ton of people who are wayyy too idealistic in what they look for, relationship wise. Is that such a bad thing? For the purposes of dating, yes, it is a bad thing! Why? Because then you end up 30+ and still single.  And, when you’re too idealistic, it becomes WAYYYY too unrealistic. Yes. UNREALISTIC idealism is deadly for your parent’s hope of you one day marrying.

First, let me talk a little bit about the IDEA-LIST. Yes. The LIST. THE CURSED LIST. The incredibly long, tedious, and unbelievably unrealistic list. The one that states “if I am going to date this person they must possess (endless list of qualities here)”. Idealist’s tend to generally want the PERFECT spouse. The problem with this, however, is that the perfect spouse (in the sense of how it compares to your list) does not exist. Why do I say that? Well that’s because no one is perfect. We are all sinners. If you try to find someone on that list, you will always (and EVERY TIME) be completely disappointed with the end product. The list is evil. I have a list. It’s quite simple, actually. What is my list?

#1. If it makes sense, I don’t care about the rest.

And that’s it. Okay maybe not completely it. But mostly, yes, I like to keep it simple. If I like her, and she likes me, I’m definitely willing to at least TRY it.

Now, the second thing that we’re idealist about is having “supernatural confirmation” on relationships (like Serendipity!). I’m all about getting confirmation….BUT GOODNESS. Sometimes, I think people (especially idealist people) expect God Himself to come down from heaven with fire and thunder and flames and tornadoes and hurricanes and then SCREAM in your ear “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO MARRY THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG!” (Did God tell you this recently? If He did please call me at 812-333-7777 so that we can discuss it in more detail, and I can pray and decide if this is indeed from God or not. PS. You need only call if you are between the heights of 5′0″ and 5′4″. I am willing to make exceptions for 5′5″ and 5′6″ based on your decision to never wear heels for the rest of your life. That is all. haha.)

Seriously though, we expect some sort of “perfect” dating story. We are petrified of a reality that exists outside of that “perfect” love story, because we think that if we do not get it, that there is something wrong with the relationship. That thinking is a doubly self defeating concept because not only do we doubt whether or not we should date someone (even if everything else makes sense) but we also start doubting the relationship even when we are IN the relationship and things are going well. “Why is nothing supernatural happening to confirm that we are supposed to be together?” You ask. And then you start fearing for your life because you’re in a place where you have to make YOUR OWN DECISION. “Wait, I have to make my own decision now? You mean, I can’t just sit here and wait 24/7 non stop and see what happens?”  Guys…you have a brain. You have a heart. You have passions, emotions, feelings, thoughts…

USE THEM.

The prophetic is meant to SUPPLEMENT and not ENTIRELY DICTATE your decision making process. If it entirely dictates how you make decisions, then you are nothing but a robot. USE what God has given you because that’s what makes you UNIQUE. Read the word. Grow in knowledge. Be prayerful. Listen to God. And then live your freaking life like a normal person. God will let you know as you go through life what you’re supposed to do, but you have to LIVE life first.

Anyways, I’ve tried this “have God give you signs” strategy before. I was seeking God thoroughly about whether or not I should date my now ex girlfriend. When I was seeking a “sign”, I started praying drastically, yearning for some miraculous sign from God. We were serving in a ministry together, and for Christmas we had a gift exchange. ”Here is my opportune moment,” I thought, and I literally prayed that God would make it so that we would have EACH OTHER as secret santa gift exchange people. Amazingly, as I prayed this, I got HER NAME for who I was supposed to give a gift to, but I obviously had no idea if she had gotten me.

That fated day had arrived. We were exchanging gifts. Immediately, everyone went around in a circle and started giving gifts, and telling them why they got them their gift. The first person was supposed to give his gift to his secret exchange partner, and then she would have to give her gift to her secret partner, and so on and so on. Eventually there were only two people left that had not yet given their gifts. Her and I.

“THIS IS CONFIRMATION LORD!” My heart jumped. We gave our gifts to each other, and soon there afterwards, started dating.

Success? Well. She’s married now, but not with me. She has two kids now, I hear, and they are definitely not mine. And…I think I’m still pretty damn single. So I think it’s safe to say, EPIC FAIL.

For real though, we are too unrealistic with how we expect God to speak to us about relationships and dating each other. Furthermore, we are depending on a prophetic system that can be dangerous because our OWN HUMAN EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS are so heavily involved. Whether or not it was from God, you will think it is from God because you WANT it to be from God. That’s the problem with relying on the prophetic in such an intense way on the subject of our future spouse. WE all hear those stories of how people who are famous get together, and they are often filled with ridiculous “confirmations”. OF COURSE you hear the stories that were SUCCESSFUL. But I bet you there are COUNTLESS stories of failures, or COUNTLESS stories of people who simply just TRIED IT and saw that it was good. That’s not a story people will often share, so of course you rarely HEAR those stories. The problem is, we only hear the stories that are EXTREME.

And yes. Sometimes it’s not “fair” that others get such an awesome story, when our story is simply “How did I meet Bob? Oh, we met on eharmony.com”. And I’m not sure why EVERYONE doesn’t have that “mind boggling cry tears out and vomit cause it’s that sappy” type of story. But that’s the way of the world.  I don’t know why I haven’t won the lottery yet (although I still believe this is going to happen). Somtimes life is just not fair. And when it comes to our future spouse, sometimes we’re going to have the most boring story of how we met, and the most amazing story of how we were together. I’d rather have the most amazing story of how we were together, than the most amazing story of how we met, personally. If you are looking for this “perfect” getting together story, have fun being single at 35. Or you can join me in becoming a Christian monk, moving to some mountain somewhere to live a life of celibacy and solitude. Amen.

Anyways, my belief is that if you are living a life of prayer, and if your potential future spouse is living a life of prayer, I believe you guys should just TRY IT OUT. It doesn’t HAVE to be “the one”.  HONESTLY, it’s not that big of a deal! People make too big of a deal out of dating! DATING IS so practical, and it helps so much in determing whether or not two people make sense together. And yet, we somehow FEAR THE WORD Dating.

SERIOUSLY, most of the times, it’s really simple things that are “barometers” of whether or not a relationship can work or not. The most OBVIOUS one is “DO YOU LIKE EACH OTHER?” And then from there, does it work out? Is there a future that actually can make sense with each other? Are you arguing a lot?

Side Comment: The issue of arguing is important because in a survey on relationships they said that relationships that start off with a lot of arguing (especially aruging during the “puppy romance” stages, the first 6 months) will end up a generally more difficult marriage. Usually, the first 6 months are supposed to be ecstasy, and then around the half year mark you have your first serious argument. Then you usually have another serious argument at 1 year anniversaryish. If you are arguing too often, that’s probably not a good sign. Although I do know married couples that argue often but are still insanely in love with each other. Oh how theories fail…

So what’s the point of all this? ONE reason why PC people don’t date is because they try to make a book-worthy story out of their relationship even before anything has even HAPPENED! I think maybe even for idealists, you need to embrace a little more realistic thinking.  Sometimes, even if it ends up being a horrible decision, you just GOTTA TRY IT. We are at an age (most of us) where we can make mistakes and LEARN FROM THEM. Let’s make mistakes together!

Two years ago a pastor I know gave a TWENTY SIX PART list of how you should find your future spouse. After some stuff happened in his life that he hadn’t planned, I recently talked to him and his list has become quite simple. On the subject of finding his future spouse, the same pastor had the following to say, “I believe in hard work, and perseverance”.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO TRY THINGS. FOLLOW THE NIKE SLOGAN. JUST DO IT! NO PUN INTENDED.

(812-333-7777).

Initial contact is the moment when we meet people who we could possibly date for the first time.We walk into a social setting, the menu is laid out before us, and it’s our job to pick and choose what is best suitable for our tastes. The brunette standing over in that corner. The blonde—never mind, I’m not too into blondes. That sexy shirtless man with each abdominal muscle jutting out of his disproportionately large body dancing in the middle of the room, too hot for his own good. Oh yea. That’s more like it.  (Just in case someone misconstrues this, I am not gay.  But a hot sexy man with abs…how can you resist?)

In engaging the menu, we go through the list of ingredients or benefits that each item on the menu provides. Each steak is prepared and presented in a different way. One comes with garlic. Another comes with a special blend of herbs and oils so delicate and rich that even after eating your steak, you can’t help but lap up the rest of the sauce on your plate. These are all things that contribute to your selection process, and finding a person who you would consider as “potential” plays out in a very disturbingly similar way.

There are qualities that definitely entice the male or female to make a decision in whom they would consider dating. The list is pretty extensive at times. You need a particular height, a particular build, a particular face, a particular singing voice, a particular way you move the body—good lord, there is not a creature on earth that can fulfill the needs of our ideals, sometimes. That is, for girls, anyways. For guys the list is quite simple. I’ll let you use your imagination to figure it out, but as a hint, it starts with an H and ends with an OT.

Unfortunately for us males, the often extensive qualities that a female looks for in a male makes it just that much more difficult in our pursuit of a partner. Which is only natural, the reality is, women are looking for someone to father their children! Men…nevermind, end of discussion.

It gets even more complicated in the Christian context cause now everyone not only has their own personal ideals, but their own ideas of what is biblical when it comes to dating, which confuses the hell out of things infinitely. Most cultural Christians are looking for someone to marry, which is definitely how we should be thinking. But sometimes to find that particular someone, dating is a necessary process…this is definitely a debatable topic, and I’m not here to justify that statement, but simply to portray my perspective. I think dating is healthy, necessary, and is one of the most common sense ways to find out if you really work in the long term haul with that significant other.

Anyways. Continuing with my original statement, it becomes a lot more difficult for males to convince a woman that he is worthy to be father to her children. We are like peacocks, all of us, displaying our glorious feathers to all the would be peahens (female peacocks), waiting for a taker so that we can engage in the painfully long process of dating, courtship and marriage. And we do a lot of things subconsciously (some of us consciously) to try and show off as many of our feathers as we possibly can.

That man sitting in the corner of the room, playing the guitar, looking like he’s worshipping God. Hah. He’s not. He’s simply showing off his feathers. Think about how much sexier and appealing that guy looks when he does that. #1 He can play an instrument. #2 He can play an instrument and sing at the same time. #3 Oh, he loves God. How cute. NOT.

Or how about that guy who’s cleaning the dishes, acting like he’s some nice guy, wiling to do the dirty work like cleaning the dishes. HAH. I bet he never washes the dishes at HOME!!! Oldest trick in the book. 99% of every cool thing a guy does is because he’s trying to show off his feathers. Everything you’ve ever known or thought about men needs to change now! We are the epitome of ulterior motives. Unless it’s me. I’m too holy, authentic and pure to do such things. *Ehem*.

Okay, okay. So I’m slightly exaggerating. Sometimes there are just genuinely good and nice guys out there, and I don’t think that just because they are playing the guitar in the corner of the room, it means they are only doing it to impress women. No, that would be a lie. But there’s always the incentive of showing off your feathers that does drive (whether it is conscious or subconscious) our motives to be who we are, and act how we do, to some extent.

And it’s necessary. A statistic that has been thrown around lately, and is actually quite true in the cultural setting, is that 80% of all relationships are initiated by the girl. Which means this: guys show off their incredible features, and it’s up to the girls to take the bait. The girls, if they find someone attractive during initial contact, are the ones that first need to show some interest before the guy will try anything.

This follows the ladder theory quite nicely. Now I don’t think the ladder theory is an exact science. There are multiple factors that definitely influence and change the outcome of how the theory functions, and ultimately new seasons, circumstances and revelations can change things drastically. However, in certain regards, I do agree with it. Most guys do have only one ladder. Granted, women on the bottom of their ladder may as well be on a second ladder, but the fact remains, we have one ladder that governs our decision making process in the relational sense. Women on the other hand, have two ladders. They have a friend ladder and a potential ladder. Guys on the friend ladder can never (at least for a specific season of the girl’s life) make it to the potential ladder. Guys on the potential ladder have a shot, but how much of a shot depends on how many feathers the guy has in his arsenal of manipulative weaponry. But the thing is, before the guy really desires to pursue or engage the product, they have to first know that the product is worthwhile for them to pursue: that is, the guy needs to know that he’s not on the friends ladder, only, and that if he actually invested time in the pursuit, the girl would reciprocate.

The initial contact is everything then, for males, because in the eyes of a female, they make one of the ladders at first contact. And if initial contact bears that much weight in the future potential for anything to happen, the guy needs to make an outstanding first impression. If you do make the potential ladder, then from there on you can choose to begin the pursuit. I will have more to say on this in a later blog post, but one thing I want to clarify here is that there is a big difference between interest and like. Interest is simply wanting to see if there is a possibility. Like is full blown—more than simply a possibility, at this point they are even willing to try it out in the dating sense to see if it works.

There is a second route that you can go here, the “grind” route. What the grind route entails is for you to basically befriend a woman and “grind” it out through the seasons, always “being there” for her through thick and thin, especially when she breaks up with her boyfriend(s), holding her in her saddest moments, crying with her, wiping the tears from her eyes, etc. For those who have experienced the “grind” and failed, you know that this method of approach is horribly flawed, and has a 90% chance of failure. If you choose to go down this path…oh dear Lord, you are in for some painful days. But you never know…you may win out the reluctant girl in the end, and force her to live the rest of her life thinking about what it would have been like to take another road…but at least she’s yours. I really don’t recommend this road. It sucks, and even if you win it’s not a true victory.

Continuing on—although 80% of the time it depends on the women to make initial contact successful, I want to simply say one thing: guys, grow some balls. If you are in a season to date, don’t be afraid to try it out. Now, there are obviously some situations when it doesn’t make sense, and in those cases, it’s probably best to not initiate anything. I am a firm believer that if the situation, scenario and season is just not right for dating, then the best way to go about it is to leave it completely untouched. Don’t even try to move forward with anything, just leave it dead in the water.

But if it’s right, and the timing is okay, then grow some balls! Go for it. Have some confidence, and be willing to face rejection if that’s what happens. Honestly, you never know if you don’t try. And one of the things that frustrates me the most is that a lot of Christian males are too afraid to try, even when it seems that the situation is favorable for them.

Just do what everyone else is into these days as a means for relational interaction, FACEBOOK THEM. It’s funny how our means to getting to know someone (subtle though they may be) have evolved over the years. First, it was phone numbers. Next, it was AIM or ICQ. Now it’s Facebook. Facebook is the most effective weapon in that arsenal we talked about. Facebook gives you the freedom to stay in touch without having to get too uncomfortable. Facebook…God bless it.

I want to end with just a few thoughts. How can you tell if someone you have initial contact with is interested? (Remember, difference between interest and like!). Well for girls, it’s simple. Does the guy make an extra effort to talk to you, get to know you, etc.? If he is doing this, then to some extent he’s probably trying to at least “gauge” and see if there is a possibility of something. Guys are so transparent in this regard—girls, just remember this secret…if he’s willing to spend that much time with you, there’s a reason for it. Basically, if you even feel a bit unsure at all while interacting with a guy, then chances are that at least to some extent there is some interest. Don’t get interest mixed up with like. Just because there’s interest, doesn’t mean they like you. And interest honestly isn’t that big of a deal. Interest just means you have aroused their curiosity, and they want to see what you’re all about.

On the girls side, it becomes a lot more complicated. Once again, it’s because of the ladder theory. See, a girl is not so one sided in their approach to this stuff. Because they are willing to have a friends ladder and interact with some of their friends almost in the same way that they would interact with guys they think are potential, it becomes a complete mess. Generally, you have to figure out over the course of a few interactions if there is something. You have to understand her personality type—is she the type that has a track record of leading guys? If she does, and you’re still interested, then the best way to approach this scenario is just to bring the conversation out in the open as soon as possible. Don’t postpone DTR, get it out of the way ASAP. There are multiple benefits of this, but the most obvious one is that you don’t let the relationship get out of hand, if there is absolutely nothing. Remember, she has a track record of leading guys on. Don’t end up a statistic. Talk about it, figure out what exactly is going on, and bring closure to that aspect of the relationship as soon as possible. If she is interested, then congratulations. If she’s not, then you can let it go, and move on with your life. (This is super important, unless you’re convinced you want to try the “grind” path).

If she does not have that track record, then just gauge and see how she interacts with you. Is she willing to message you every time she sees you online? Does she respond to your facebook messages and wall posts consistently, regularly, and seems to be engaged in the conversation? Does she come out to things you invite her to? Have you guys talked on the phone? Do you text message each other? There are tons of questions to ask in this process. The best thing is to just see if some basic common sense things happen during the course of your interactions with her. And if these things don’t add up, then just drop it and move on with your life. There are PLENTY of fish in the sea, don’t get so stuck on one person that you become an obsessive stalker. Ugh.

With all this being said, and don’t forget it’s the opinion of a non professional simply living through life and learning about pointless and random stuff, I personally vote that in our mating and dating rituals, we should convert our tactics and follow the example of the Buck. The male deer.

Instead of going through all this subconscious CRAP, let’s just run our heads into each other and whoever has the stronger head wins! Honestly. How much easier would that make it? I propose that every woman has to simply marry the man who wins in this head bashing contest, knowing that they are the most suited because of their incredible brute strength (particularly in the skull area) and let the strong survive and the weak PERISH. This is my motion. I have a particularly large head. I think I stand a chance!Any one second that?