Recently, one of my friends had a DTR. She, knowing that I am now officially published (and therefore basically a professional in the field of DTR hahaha), contacted me for help. So it turns out that the guy who tried to get with her is way over twenty years older than her and has a SON.  As a matter of fact, the SON is closer in age to my friend than the guy who tried to jock her!  He even went so far as to “introduce” her to this son, apparently with the hopes and ambitions that they would get along, and that she would eventually become his MOTHER. THAT’S JUST SICK.  SICK!!! As such, this was the first draft of the email that I hashed out for my friend to send to him–I changed the names to properly reflect the situation.

Dear Pedophile,
I want you to know that I think you are a disgusting person, and I hate you.  I think your son is gorgeous though, can you give me his number so that I can talk to him?  Thank you.  It was nice talking!  Hope you have a nice life. And that God punishes you for chasing after women who are young enough to be your daughter.  Ps, I want to kick you in the nuts right now.

Unfortunately, that version of the DTR did not get sent.  Okay. I realize that a good number of my friends have parents who are many years apart, and live happily together.  Some of them are even more than seventeen years apart.  However, I really feel like TODAY is a much different cultural setting.  I dunno, maybe that’s just me.  But I find this quite disturbing within the context of society today.  The only way it makes sense is if the guy is HELLA rich and about to die HELLA soon.  Then I could understand…it’s like winning the lottery.  Just turn off the lights, endure, and become a milionaire.  VOMIT.

Anyways, because my first email got rejected, I resigned myself to build a more proper letter.  Honestly, what I am about to post right now can be used as a TEMPLATE for ALL future email DTR’s.  As a matter of fact, you can go to my “Resources“ page and find a word doc format of the dtr email for download.  It is my work, but I allow you without a charge (although my friend jokingly told me I should charge people for this template) to use it anytime you need to drop a bomb on some guy who’s been jocking you/or some girl who’s been jocking you.  I pray, for your sake, that the guy is not some 40 year old balding wrinkled man.  Unless, of course, you are a 40 year old balding woman.  In which case, more power to you!  I’m going to write my comments of the letter in RED.

Dear Pedophile,
I could never seem to find the right words to begin this letter. Honestly, I should have told you how I felt before…but sometimes I have a hard time communicating effectively how I feel.  Let me state it clearly, so that there is no room for misinterpretation.  I do not want to pursue any romantic relationship with you.  I see you completely as a friend and mentor, and have always seen you that way.  In fact, I was a little shocked when you told me your feelings for me, because I have always thought that our relationship was defined as a “mentor” and “student” type of relationship, and that’s why I opened myself up to you. (There is no room for misinterpretation here!  Her position is stated CLEARLY!  If he doesn’t get this, then he’s an idiot!  When you do DTR, you HAVE to be as CLEAR as possible!!!)

I’m sorry if there was any confusion, or misleading on my part. I felt the license to spend time with you, and talk because I thought the relationship was “safe”.  Honestly, I truly enjoyed our time in our classes.  I’ve learned a lot from you as a kid (Yea a KID, you freaking pervert) trying to figure out all the things going on around her.  Thank you for listening, telling me what I needed to hear instead of what I wanted to hear, and of course, the drinks!  However, I never expected our relationship to head in this direction. I thought we were clearly established.  Therefore, I was taken aback by what I heard when you told me you liked me. (This is the part where you fluff a little.  You don’t fluff in the first paragraph.  You state your position clearly in the first paragraph.  In the second paragraph, however, you can totally BS all you want.  For instance, what my friend is REALLY thinking in this situation is: You are a sick man and now everything we’ve ever done in the past makes me feel so violated.  Every intimate conversation we’ve ever had was a lie!  A LIE!  I was COMPLETELY disgusted when you told me how you felt, and I hope you die you sick man.  Okay that last part was a little harsh.  I hope you come close to dying you sick man!  Better yet!  I hope you get kidney stones, and that they are the size of marbles.  Pee them out in pain!!!  PEE THEM OUT IN PAIN!)

I hope that this clears up my position, and helps you to understand where I’m coming from.  I do care about you, but not in a romantic way.  I hope that we can remain friends and continue to work together, but if this is difficult for you under these circumstances, I will understand.  Please accept my most sincere apologies again for my inability to communicate…I really cherish our friendship, and if it is possible, would love to keep it intact even under these circumstances. (You can go MANY ways here.  In the case of my friend, she works with this guy so didn’t want to end it completely awkward.  She’s NOT going to still be this guy’s friend by a LONG shot.  This, then, is obviously BS.  She’s only saying it so that future interactions with this guy (in the work environment) are not that difficult.  However, if you want to, you can end it abruptly by saying “I do not think we should interact and talk anymore”, if that is what you prefer.)

Thank you, I know, it’s amazing.  Please, any donations are welcome.  haha.  Anyways, here is the pedophile’s response.

You have no idea how glad I am to get this note from you. I really appreciate your taking the time to put it together so eloquently. (Hah!  He thinks my letter is eloquent!  Too bad he doesn’t realize SHE DIDN’T WRITE MOST OF IT!  HAHAHA.  HAHAHA. SUCKAH.  YOU JUST HAD DTR WITH A DUDE!) I too value all the time we spent together and all of our conversations. (I’m sure that during these “conversations”, that’s not all you were thinking. PERVERT.) You have absolutely nothing to apologize for – you have handled yourself very well. You are a very beautiful, intelligent, charming woman.  (Speaking of which, what is your son’s phone number again?  Your son is delicious.)

That is not normally a problem for me – because my radar is usually pretty good – I can tell the difference between friendship and something more. (SUCH BS!!!!!!  GOD!!!) But it was confused in this case – possibly through miscommunication, but more likely just wishful thinking on the part of someone who got to know you under very comfortable circumstances. You see, it is hard for a guy to know sometimes exactly what he is feeling. Women tend to have slightly better instincts that way. One way I have learned over time of answering the question is the good night kiss test. You know in that moment not only exactly what the other person is feeling, but what you are feeling. It can be a innocent kiss on the cheek, a friend kiss, or something (anything) more.  (I forgot to mention that this old man tried to kiss my friend!  TOO BAD SHE DODGED IT.) I knew everything you wrote in your letter at that moment – but I also realized, right then, that I felt the same way as you. (MORE BS!  SO MUCH BS!  OMG!)
The only thing I was concerned about after you left was the possibility of losing your friendship and trust. (Because I still love you and want you to be the mother of my child who’s only 2 years younger than you.  I AM A SICK MAN!  A SICK, SICK MAN!)

This is my way of saying I would have no problem at all maintaining our friendship and working relationship. I completely understand where you are coming from and sincerely appreciate the sentiment and care of your note. (I’ve had to write that note a few times myself and I will save yours as a template for future reference – very good writing) (Hahahaha.  Oh the irony.  The irony!!) I would be honored to be a mentor, happy to be your friend, and I would look forward to seeing and working with you again. And I appreciate your intelligence, wisdom, and judgment. You are doing very well.

PS – I would also like very much to watch old movies with you sometime – I had a revelation about “Casablanca” the other night I don’t think anyone but you would get – (Fool. Those movies are old for ME.  They are not old for YOU.  For YOU they are CONTEMPORARY MOVIES.  YOU OLD FART.)

Okay okay okay.  I’m a little harsh to the old man.  I know that this happens, and like I said I even have friends whose parents cover the ten year spread and are definitely in love.  I think the most I’ve ever heard was something along the lines of a twenty year difference between the dad and the mom.  I KNOW it happens.  But that doesn’t make it any less disturbing when you hear about it in the PRESENT.  I usually justify the ones that happened back in the day by attributing it to the culture and circumstance.  Can you really justify it in the 21^st century? I guess if you’re Phil Jackson, you can.  But that’s different.  He’s Phil Jackson.  Refer back to the “rich man” clause I stated at the beginning of this post.

In either case, OBVIOUSLY the response back from the pedophile was complete BS.  He’s trying to employ the “let’s still be friends so that I can impress you more” tactic.  Honestly, if I were the girl in this situation, I would be COMPLETELY scared to hang out with this guy now.  Who’s to stop him, for instance, from trying to date rape her or something?  I know that seems ridiculous, but it DOES happen.  F dat.  What a sick man.

I’ll cover my opinion about the accepted “age spread” on Thursday.  Until then, start sending out those DTR emails!