Bad Relationships: Dump the Trash

by Tobe Hitch on July 12, 2011

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I don’t know about you guys, but there are so many times when I shake my head at a relationship that I know is just horrible for either the girl or the guy. I’ve known more than my share of girls who stick around in emotionally (and possibly physically) abusive relationships even when everyone in the freaking world (including they themselves) knows that the relationship is corrosive to their lives. I’ve known more than my share of guys who stick around with girls who are (for lack of a better term) bitches, and the guys stay with them even when its obvious that it’s having a horrible effect on the guy’s life.

I’m sure you guys have known someone like this, or maybe you’re in one of these relationships. In fact, many people who comment on my blog seem to be stuck and trapped in these types of relationships. They constantly ask me this question: What am I supposed to do? Here’s my reply:

Get the eff out of the relationship.

You are not going to fix him, sorry. She is not going to become less of a bitch, sorry. The world (for the most part) just doesn’t work that way. Too many years of social and psychological development are working against you. No, he will not suddenly change his ways. If he’s cheated on you, there’s a pretty damn good chance he’s going to cheat on you again. If she’s a high maintenance bitch, she’s not going to suddenly stop being a high maintenance bitch.

Even on the off chance (the .0000001% or possibly less) that some change actually DOES occur, I guarantee you it will not happen over night. You’d have to endure years upon years of emotional stress and turmoil before you even saw the change occur, and the odds of it happening are so infinitesimally slim that you’d have more luck winning the lottery.

But alas. I’m sure someone has already told you all of this (if they haven’t, then your friends suck too and it’s time for you to move to another city/state/country and start your life over again). And yet, even though you probably consciously know this, you’re still stuck. You can’t get yourself out. You want to listen to the advice of your friends, but it’s hard to tear yourself away emotionally.

Here are some things to consider, but I’m going to tell you right now that change begins when you make a decision to do something about it. Reading about it on a website, feeling sorry for yourself…none of that is going to help you. This is your life. I promise you that there are people around you who are willing to fight through with you. But this is your life…you have to make the choice to get out of this harmful relationship. No one else can make that decision for you.

1.) End the drama. There’s something about drama that makes us feel alive. There are a lot of people who say that they don’t like drama, and that they try to avoid it (the “I ain’t no drama queen!!!!” types). But the bottom line is, most of these people are just as interested to hear about, read about, or see for themselves drama that unfolds all around them. Whether it is on a TV Show, through the news, or through stories of their friends, it is hard to avoid being curious. Drama is part of the human element; without it, our lives would be monotonous.

Yet, there’s a fine line between liking drama and ruining your life. End the drama. Seek the attention that you need in more constructive ways. Channel that need to make your own life a cry for attention into something creative.

2.) You deserve better. I think part of the reason why people get stuck in these types of relationships is because they feel an overwhelming sense of unworthiness. As humans, none of us are perfect. Most of us struggle with this reality, and sometimes I think people take this feeling of unworthiness to an extreme: they get into an abusive relationship, and kind of feel like they deserve it.

No. You don’t deserve it. You deserve better. Stop punishing yourself, and get the eff out of the relationship.

3.) You can’t fix them. I’ve already talked about this a bit, but here’s the reality: we all want a purpose in life. There’s something about trying to “fix” or take care of an emotionally abusive person that gives us some sense of purpose and meaningfulness. When we feel useless everywhere else, having that person that we can try to “fix” gives us some sense and purpose in life. It’s more than just a “savior” complex.

Except, that this purpose in life is retarded. Don’t waste your life and don’t waste all that love you have to give on someone who is nothing but a leech, and sucks and drains all of it away from you without giving any back. If you really want a purpose in life, find it elsewhere. Trust me, there are so many people in this world who need your love much more than this emotionally abusive leech that you’re dating. Give your love to them.

4.) Ask yourself this: if you were your own friend, what advice would you give yourself? Sometimes, one of the best ways to approach it is to think what you would tell yourself if you were a friend. Look…many of us give great advice, but a lot of times, it’s hard for us to take our own advice. Yet, if you can sort of understand more objectively why your relationship sucks and why you need to get out of it…maybe you can see it from a different enough angle to understand why it has to end.

5.) There is someone (way better) out there for you. Don’t ever think that this, whatever it is, is the best you can get. You’re worth more than trash.

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Rob July 25, 2012 at 4:12 am

‘If you were your own friend, what advice would you give yourself?’- this is such a great way of looking at things.

Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker.
When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging,
intensely interested listening,
our spirits expand.”
~Sue Patton Thoele

This deep listening shouldn’t just extend to our own heart, or our partner, it must also extend to those around us who’re able to see and understand, objectively (to an extent), what’s going on in our relationship.

Rob August 22, 2012 at 2:30 am

Nice post, hope everyone think so!

ray August 26, 2012 at 5:07 am

Hi I would like to ask for your email

Karina August 28, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I’m very fond of your blogs very entertaining and soothing to read i enjoy your style keep up the good work!

sincerely your new friend

Tobe Hitch August 28, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Hey Katrina, thanks for the encouraging comment. I don’t keep up with my blog as much as I did in the past, but it’s always nice to hear people appreciate my writing. Ray–I believe my email address is in my about section. Take care!

Lil September 5, 2012 at 5:37 pm

this was really good to read after the week- actually , after the past 3 years ive put MYSELF thru. i think ive been in denial or not ready to believe that all the things i have been thru with this man (boy) were all okay. The lies, the secrets, the betrayal and cheating ways. It all makes me sick now, but i now realise it was all right in front of me the whole time but i thought well i guess i believed that that was all i was worth. I left him quite a few times actually i thought i snapped, i thought i couldnt take anymore but somehow i was convinced that it would all work out after a bit of a talk and affection i felt ok (this lasted not long at all). I was what i believe in a bitter cycle that i guess i was addicted to everytime i took him back the more i gave my self respect away as i lessoned my expectations of what i thought i deserved. I thought i knew what love was, now i know what it is not.

David Brunel September 29, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Have to agree with everything you’ve said. My perspective is if the relationship isn’t working and not through the lack of trying then it’s only right that you go your separate ways. This way you might find happiness again in the future.

David

Fred October 21, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Nice post, I agree with the things you say.
One little “but” that can be inspiration for a new blog post or discussion.
From my own experience as a single, I find that the good matches often are already in a relationship, simply because they are loyal, friendly, forgiving,…
Maybe they are with someone who is not worth to be with them, but do you have the right to interfere with this relationship then? A moral dilemma…

Nisha January 17, 2013 at 11:42 pm

Great post. this is for anyone that is in a bad relationship or doesnt feel right about it well heres how my relationship is going k well today he didnt talk to me like he thinks its fine because i never told him how i felt and i just dont know how to solve this like he just wont make a move and if you agree that all men sholud make the maove and not the women please post your thoughts and that isint all we have been dating for 17 monts and he hasaent told me ge loves me or anthing i feel lke we are just friends and not even a couple anymore

Victoria January 21, 2013 at 8:26 pm

Great article. If you have any doubt in your mind its not working, start walking then! Don’t waste your time trying to change them, or thinking that time will change them. Exit early and get out while you can! Great site!

Jadughar March 4, 2013 at 4:13 pm

wonderful Post, Thanks Bro

Jeff March 24, 2013 at 9:29 am

Glad I found this…will share.

Christy April 26, 2013 at 4:33 pm

Thanks for putting this into perspective. I was in horrible relationships for years. Thanks to tons of therapy and self-reflection I was able to break out of that cycle. I now know I stayed in abusive relationships because that was all I knew. I grew up in a Southern Baptist family that was highly abusive and dysfunctional. All I wanted was for someone to love me and yet, I did not know what love really was. It took me a long time to figure that out. Both of my parents are narcissists. Narcissists prey on people who have been conditioned to accept them. It is pure hell.

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