The Importance of First Impression

Initial contact is the moment when we meet people who we could possibly date for the first time.We walk into a social setting, the menu is laid out before us, and it’s our job to pick and choose what is best suitable for our tastes. The brunette standing over in that corner. The blonde—never mind, I’m not too into blondes. That sexy shirtless man with each abdominal muscle jutting out of his disproportionately large body dancing in the middle of the room, too hot for his own good. Oh yea. That’s more like it.  (Just in case someone misconstrues this, I am not gay.  But a hot sexy man with abs…how can you resist?)

In engaging the menu, we go through the list of ingredients or benefits that each item on the menu provides. Each steak is prepared and presented in a different way. One comes with garlic. Another comes with a special blend of herbs and oils so delicate and rich that even after eating your steak, you can’t help but lap up the rest of the sauce on your plate. These are all things that contribute to your selection process, and finding a person who you would consider as “potential” plays out in a very disturbingly similar way.

There are qualities that definitely entice the male or female to make a decision in whom they would consider dating. The list is pretty extensive at times. You need a particular height, a particular build, a particular face, a particular singing voice, a particular way you move the body—good lord, there is not a creature on earth that can fulfill the needs of our ideals, sometimes. That is, for girls, anyways. For guys the list is quite simple. I’ll let you use your imagination to figure it out, but as a hint, it starts with an H and ends with an OT.

Unfortunately for us males, the often extensive qualities that a female looks for in a male makes it just that much more difficult in our pursuit of a partner. Which is only natural, the reality is, women are looking for someone to father their children! Men…nevermind, end of discussion.

It gets even more complicated in the Christian context cause now everyone not only has their own personal ideals, but their own ideas of what is biblical when it comes to dating, which confuses the hell out of things infinitely. Most cultural Christians are looking for someone to marry, which is definitely how we should be thinking. But sometimes to find that particular someone, dating is a necessary process…this is definitely a debatable topic, and I’m not here to justify that statement, but simply to portray my perspective. I think dating is healthy, necessary, and is one of the most common sense ways to find out if you really work in the long term haul with that significant other.

Anyways. Continuing with my original statement, it becomes a lot more difficult for males to convince a woman that he is worthy to be father to her children. We are like peacocks, all of us, displaying our glorious feathers to all the would be peahens (female peacocks), waiting for a taker so that we can engage in the painfully long process of dating, courtship and marriage. And we do a lot of things subconsciously (some of us consciously) to try and show off as many of our feathers as we possibly can.

That man sitting in the corner of the room, playing the guitar, looking like he’s worshipping God. Hah. He’s not. He’s simply showing off his feathers. Think about how much sexier and appealing that guy looks when he does that. #1 He can play an instrument. #2 He can play an instrument and sing at the same time. #3 Oh, he loves God. How cute. NOT.

Or how about that guy who’s cleaning the dishes, acting like he’s some nice guy, wiling to do the dirty work like cleaning the dishes. HAH. I bet he never washes the dishes at HOME!!! Oldest trick in the book. 99% of every cool thing a guy does is because he’s trying to show off his feathers. Everything you’ve ever known or thought about men needs to change now! We are the epitome of ulterior motives. Unless it’s me. I’m too holy, authentic and pure to do such things. *Ehem*.

Okay, okay. So I’m slightly exaggerating. Sometimes there are just genuinely good and nice guys out there, and I don’t think that just because they are playing the guitar in the corner of the room, it means they are only doing it to impress women. No, that would be a lie. But there’s always the incentive of showing off your feathers that does drive (whether it is conscious or subconscious) our motives to be who we are, and act how we do, to some extent.

And it’s necessary. A statistic that has been thrown around lately, and is actually quite true in the cultural setting, is that 80% of all relationships are initiated by the girl. Which means this: guys show off their incredible features, and it’s up to the girls to take the bait. The girls, if they find someone attractive during initial contact, are the ones that first need to show some interest before the guy will try anything.

This follows the ladder theory quite nicely. Now I don’t think the ladder theory is an exact science. There are multiple factors that definitely influence and change the outcome of how the theory functions, and ultimately new seasons, circumstances and revelations can change things drastically. However, in certain regards, I do agree with it. Most guys do have only one ladder. Granted, women on the bottom of their ladder may as well be on a second ladder, but the fact remains, we have one ladder that governs our decision making process in the relational sense. Women on the other hand, have two ladders. They have a friend ladder and a potential ladder. Guys on the friend ladder can never (at least for a specific season of the girl’s life) make it to the potential ladder. Guys on the potential ladder have a shot, but how much of a shot depends on how many feathers the guy has in his arsenal of manipulative weaponry. But the thing is, before the guy really desires to pursue or engage the product, they have to first know that the product is worthwhile for them to pursue: that is, the guy needs to know that he’s not on the friends ladder, only, and that if he actually invested time in the pursuit, the girl would reciprocate.

The initial contact is everything then, for males, because in the eyes of a female, they make one of the ladders at first contact. And if initial contact bears that much weight in the future potential for anything to happen, the guy needs to make an outstanding first impression. If you do make the potential ladder, then from there on you can choose to begin the pursuit. I will have more to say on this in a later blog post, but one thing I want to clarify here is that there is a big difference between interest and like. Interest is simply wanting to see if there is a possibility. Like is full blown—more than simply a possibility, at this point they are even willing to try it out in the dating sense to see if it works.

There is a second route that you can go here, the “grind” route. What the grind route entails is for you to basically befriend a woman and “grind” it out through the seasons, always “being there” for her through thick and thin, especially when she breaks up with her boyfriend(s), holding her in her saddest moments, crying with her, wiping the tears from her eyes, etc. For those who have experienced the “grind” and failed, you know that this method of approach is horribly flawed, and has a 90% chance of failure. If you choose to go down this path…oh dear Lord, you are in for some painful days. But you never know…you may win out the reluctant girl in the end, and force her to live the rest of her life thinking about what it would have been like to take another road…but at least she’s yours. I really don’t recommend this road. It sucks, and even if you win it’s not a true victory.

Continuing on—although 80% of the time it depends on the women to make initial contact successful, I want to simply say one thing: guys, grow some balls. If you are in a season to date, don’t be afraid to try it out. Now, there are obviously some situations when it doesn’t make sense, and in those cases, it’s probably best to not initiate anything. I am a firm believer that if the situation, scenario and season is just not right for dating, then the best way to go about it is to leave it completely untouched. Don’t even try to move forward with anything, just leave it dead in the water.

But if it’s right, and the timing is okay, then grow some balls! Go for it. Have some confidence, and be willing to face rejection if that’s what happens. Honestly, you never know if you don’t try. And one of the things that frustrates me the most is that a lot of Christian males are too afraid to try, even when it seems that the situation is favorable for them.

Just do what everyone else is into these days as a means for relational interaction, FACEBOOK THEM. It’s funny how our means to getting to know someone (subtle though they may be) have evolved over the years. First, it was phone numbers. Next, it was AIM or ICQ. Now it’s Facebook. Facebook is the most effective weapon in that arsenal we talked about. Facebook gives you the freedom to stay in touch without having to get too uncomfortable. Facebook…God bless it.

I want to end with just a few thoughts. How can you tell if someone you have initial contact with is interested? (Remember, difference between interest and like!). Well for girls, it’s simple. Does the guy make an extra effort to talk to you, get to know you, etc.? If he is doing this, then to some extent he’s probably trying to at least “gauge” and see if there is a possibility of something. Guys are so transparent in this regard—girls, just remember this secret…if he’s willing to spend that much time with you, there’s a reason for it. Basically, if you even feel a bit unsure at all while interacting with a guy, then chances are that at least to some extent there is some interest. Don’t get interest mixed up with like. Just because there’s interest, doesn’t mean they like you. And interest honestly isn’t that big of a deal. Interest just means you have aroused their curiosity, and they want to see what you’re all about.

On the girls side, it becomes a lot more complicated. Once again, it’s because of the ladder theory. See, a girl is not so one sided in their approach to this stuff. Because they are willing to have a friends ladder and interact with some of their friends almost in the same way that they would interact with guys they think are potential, it becomes a complete mess. Generally, you have to figure out over the course of a few interactions if there is something. You have to understand her personality type—is she the type that has a track record of leading guys? If she does, and you’re still interested, then the best way to approach this scenario is just to bring the conversation out in the open as soon as possible. Don’t postpone DTR, get it out of the way ASAP. There are multiple benefits of this, but the most obvious one is that you don’t let the relationship get out of hand, if there is absolutely nothing. Remember, she has a track record of leading guys on. Don’t end up a statistic. Talk about it, figure out what exactly is going on, and bring closure to that aspect of the relationship as soon as possible. If she is interested, then congratulations. If she’s not, then you can let it go, and move on with your life. (This is super important, unless you’re convinced you want to try the “grind” path).

If she does not have that track record, then just gauge and see how she interacts with you. Is she willing to message you every time she sees you online? Does she respond to your facebook messages and wall posts consistently, regularly, and seems to be engaged in the conversation? Does she come out to things you invite her to? Have you guys talked on the phone? Do you text message each other? There are tons of questions to ask in this process. The best thing is to just see if some basic common sense things happen during the course of your interactions with her. And if these things don’t add up, then just drop it and move on with your life. There are PLENTY of fish in the sea, don’t get so stuck on one person that you become an obsessive stalker. Ugh.

With all this being said, and don’t forget it’s the opinion of a non professional simply living through life and learning about pointless and random stuff, I personally vote that in our mating and dating rituals, we should convert our tactics and follow the example of the Buck. The male deer.

Instead of going through all this subconscious CRAP, let’s just run our heads into each other and whoever has the stronger head wins! Honestly. How much easier would that make it? I propose that every woman has to simply marry the man who wins in this head bashing contest, knowing that they are the most suited because of their incredible brute strength (particularly in the skull area) and let the strong survive and the weak PERISH. This is my motion. I have a particularly large head. I think I stand a chance!Any one second that?