My Thoughts on Interracial Dating

Someone asked me recently to express my opinions on interracial dating.  Obviously, if you guys can’t tell, I am Korean.  My last name gives that away pretty easily: KIM.  As a general rule of thumb, when you meet Korean people, you can guess that their last name is either Kim or Lee and you will have a 50% chance at being right.  That’s a nice tip for my non-Asian audience, and with that my first observation on cultural differences.  Most Asian people, when they just read what I wrote about Kim and Lee, will probably not laugh.  Their face will be stoic, and if anything, they will feel a tinge of “oh my god, that’s sooo overused.  all my korean friends use that joke”.  But most other ethnic orientations just got a genuine good “laugh” out of the Kim/Lee thing.  And so it begins…interracial dating from my perspective…

So what are my thoughts on interracial dating/marriage?  Well first, I want to say that interracial dating has a lot of difficult obstacles to overcome.  And in many ways, sometimes these obstacles can feel, and may actually be, insurmountable.  First of all, you get the OBVIOUS cultural barrier.  I grew up in El Centro/Calexico which is a city that is 80% Hispanic, 15% Caucasian, 3% African-American and 2% Other.  My ethnicity in that area was sooo small and insignificant, that they didn’t even categorize me!  I WAS AN OTHER!  HOW ghetto is that!  That’s why I went to UCLA!  Because at UCLA we’re the majority!  Chyea!

I think I knew every Korean person in El Centro by name.  Well, one time, actually, when I was in high school, I met this one girl from Calexico that I’ve never seen in my life that was Korean and I thought was actually pretty cute, and I couldn’t BELIEVE that I’ve never seen/known about her.  I was very disappointed in myself.  Unfortunately, she was dating a Hispanic guy when we met…*sigh*.  One of the few cute Asian girl in my entire area, and she was dating.  How unfortunate.  Apparently she lived there for like 14 years (just like me) too.  MAN!  I COULD HAVE HAD ONE OF THOSE “We’ve known each other since junior high school and are madly in love” STORIES!  DANGIT!

But seriously, growing up in this environment (El Centro) made me realize just how significant cultural barriers can be.  Honestly, I had a lot of good friends that were either Hispanic or Caucasian while I was in El Centro.  It was awesome to hang out with them.  But at the same time, I always felt like it was really difficult to get as close to them as I wanted (on an emotional and friend level).  I think in many ways, a lot of my Korean friends from El Centro felt the same way.  It was weird because all of the Korean people had a strange affinity toward each other even though we didn’t always necessarily hang out.  Furthermore, when I came to UCLA, honestly, I felt MUCH MORE at home around Asian people.  It was soooo much easier to connect with them.  Just having relatively the same upbringing (in culture) played a huge role in helping us understand one another.

So on one hand, interracial dating is hard because the way that you’re raised plays a HUGE part in how you emotionally connect with someone.  And oftentimes, mixing that up is very difficult!  For instance, most Asian people in our generation have parents who don’t speak English very well.  Because of that, the way that we interact with our parents (esp. if we’re not that good at the language they speak) is on a very distant level.  Yes, of course we love our parents and family.  But at the same time, the way we express this love is very different, and oftentimes it starts to cross over into how we express our love to our significant others.  Sometimes Asian people have a very difficult time expressing their “love” for someone.

Dude, I used to hang out a lot in households that were non-Asian.  And it’s SOOO different.  The way that, for instance, Caucasian parents interact with each other is COMPLETELY different than how Asian parents do.  They are sooo much more expressive of their feelings for each other.  For instance, one of my friends (Caucasians) parents were REALLY touchy feely.  DUDE.  I’VE NEVER SEEN MY PARENTS KISS.  EVER.  EVER!!  Except one time where my dad tried to kiss my mom on the check, in which she started screaming protests of all sorts.  And here is this Caucasian family, their parents talking about their favorite sex positions IN FRONT OF THEIR KIDS and laughing.  WTF?  Obviously, this is not an issue that translates to every family.  But, in general, Caucasian families are MUCH MORE open to discuss stuff like this than Asian families.  Asian people have no idea what sex is until they learn about it at school.  THERE IS JUST NO WAY THAT Asian parents would ever have the “birds and bees” discussion with their children.  It’s just not going to happen, for the most part.

Another thing that is a problem is the issue of FOOD.  Look, my mom cooks some weird ass food sometimes.  It’s absolutely delicious for ME, but it’s only really delicious because I know what to expect when it comes to Korean food.  Then you get other subtle things like having to store gallons of kim-chi in the refrigerator that stinks up the fridge.  Then you get other things like needing to buy gallons of soy sauce…dude the list can go on for quite a while here.  HONESTLY.  IF MY WIFE DOES NOT LIKE KOREAN FOOD I DON’T  KNOW HOW IT’S EVER GOING TO WORK!  And that’s a FACT!  FOOD IS PIVOTAL to my existence!  And I’m sure MOST of you guys feel the same way!  I almost LIVE to eat.  I love eating!  I love eating good food!  And if my wife can’t connect with me on the level of food, then it’s not meant to be!  We need to get a divorce!  It’s just not going to work!  (Just so you know, I’m half kidding here).

FOOD is important.  When we have “family” get togethers, if my wife can’t handle what my mom cooks, then it’ll be really difficult to enjoy the time together.  Especially if she complains about it, in which case, that would cause a lot of weird tension and anxiety in the relationship.  I really think that having similar food tastes (at least a certain extent) is a PREREQUISITE to having a successful relationship.  And enjoying Korean food thoroughly is a quality my future wife MUST have regardless of what race she is.  And she better know how to cook me some of that ish too!  Just kidding.  Half kidding.  (I can cook myself, so I can be a house-dad if she’s willing to win that bread!)

Look, I can go on and create a 30 part list of different cultural difficulties, and that’s kind of the point.  On one hand, it’s really hard to do the interracial thing because we’re just so different on a foundational level.  Even the aspect of Korean parents DRIVING their children like slaves on the issue of education.  I own a tutoring center.  THERE ARE NO CAUCASIAN PEOPLE there.  That’s not to say that Caucasian families don’t value education, but it’s different!  My kids get tortured by their parents if they get anything less than an A.  LITERALLY.  If they get a B they are grounded for decades.  If they get a B they will never see the light of day again.

Caucasian parents think B’s are AWESOME!  And, I mean, as “specific” as this issue may SEEM, the fact that we were raised that way (as Asians) completely changes how we view things.  Most Asian people are perfectionists to a fault, and really deal with a lot of insecurity and self identity issues.  These cultural realities are VERY pertinent, and they really affect the way we interact with other people.  It’s impossible for it not to!

Then you get the issue of parents, especially in the Asian context.  My parents have straight up told me (more my mother, my dad actually doesn’t care at all.  He tried to hook me up with this girl who is Hispanic from El Centro) that if I marry someone who’s NOT Korean, she will not come take care of my children when I need her to.  JACKED!  I know she’s half kidding.  But at the same time, I know there is some truth there.  It’s not that she’s trying to be a prick.  She just feels like if I marry someone who she can’t talk to in Korean with, and has a hard time communicating with, she’ll feel awkward and uncomfortable every time she’s at my place.  And honestly, I don’t want that. I want my mother to be able to connect very well with my future wife.

SO WHAT’S my ultimate conclusion?

On many levels, I don’t think it’s practical.  And when it REALLY boils down to it, I want to marry someone who’s Korean (or Asian).  HOWEVER, this is where a little bit of idealism can help your cause.  Because, honestly, I’m the one that’s going to be married with the person my entire life, and not my parents.  Furthermore, ALL relationships, whether they are cross cultural or within the same culture are filled with issues that need to be resolved.  So NOT dating someone completely on the grounds that it’s going to be difficult to make it work is ridiculous, in my opinion.  Every relationship takes work.  Regardless of what ethnic orientation you have.

I embrace cross cultural dating as long as the issue of food lines up (I’m really serious about this one!  LOL).  As much as I love my parents, my future wife is the person I’m going to be spending the rest of my life with.  So if I love her, we enjoy the same food, and it works, I don’t care about all the other issues.  We’ll work through them!  And we’ll compromise!  We’ll find a way for it to work.

With that being said, I need to facebook search Elizabeth, my Caucasian girlfriend from second grade again.  COME ON BABY.  BE HOT, FUNNY, AND SHORTER THAN 5’6”!  I BELIEVE!