This is a standalone post that covers primarily the concept of Friendship Maintenance. However, in order to get the full picture, read Part 1 Here. It’s hard to argue with the Korean Drama argument of why close guy and girl friendship would never work. However, I think that SOMETIMES, with careful “maintenance”, cross gender friendship CAN work. This is actually a pretty new revelation for me. I used to be COMPLETELY opposed to this. But, lately, I’ve been much more open to the idea, even though I still believe that you have to play this very carefully. Relational boundaries are a tricky thing to establish and maintain on a cross gender level.
I guess I had better explain what friendship maintenance is. Friendship maintenance is an open line of communication between the guy and the girl to make sure they are both still on the same page throughout the course of their relationship. Whereas DTR is the first discussion that establishes the relationship as what it is, friendship maintenance happens continuously as the relationship progresses. Friendship maintenance happens AFTER DTR. In the DTR you’ve already determined that you are going to be “just friends”. Friendship maintenance is the means by which you ensure that that reality never changes.
The important thing about friendship maintenance, however is that you have to be as STRAIGHT FORWARD as possible. SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK. Subtle hints are WAY too easy to morph into what YOU want to believe and not what was actually said. For instance, even something like this. If a girl hints her position to a guy by saying something like, “oh Bob, you and I are such good friends, I wouldn’t change what we have for the world!” The guy will usually interpret it as…”SHE’S SO INTO ME. WE’RE GOOD FRIENDS. SHE WANTS TO DATE ME. MAYBE I SHOULD KISS HER NOW.”
That’s just the way of the world. People hear what they WANT to hear, not what is actually said. Especially when it comes to dating issues. You want to believe and hope for the best case scenario, and when you leave comments so open ended, imaginations run wild. I talk to soo many people who say, “BUT I THOUGHT HE/SHE KNEW! I GAVE THEM SOO MANY SUGGESTIONS THAT I DIDN’T LIKE THEM!” Hah. You fail.
Anyways, the way to manage close relationships (and ensure that you can keep them) is to constantly reinforce this principle of friendship maintenance. This type of maintenance should be done either on a timed schedule (every 3-4 months) or when needed (if you feel a “shift” in the emotional landscape of the relationship). A “shift” may be something as simple as a night that just felt unusually “emotionally charged”, or it could be that you just feel like the relationship is progressing and you’re getting closer, so before you take “the next step” to a deeper and more serious relationship, you need to “maintain” the relationship and make sure you’re on the same page.
Let me try to give a real life example. Guy and girl are friends. They feel like they are getting “closer”. They’ve already been through the DTR, but at the same time, they can’t help but feel that they are getting a lot closer these days than they ever were. Therefore, guy or girl (either one) starts to get concerned cause they do not want to progress the relationship until they feel secure that there is nothing more than just a “friends” sort of commitment. So then, they “talk things over”. It’s not ambiguous at all. They CONFIRM with each other, openly and honestly, how they feel about each other.
Guy: “Hey, I feel like we’ve been getting closer…I just need to make sure we’re on the same page. Please be honest with me and tell me the truth so that I can best guard YOUR heart and MY heart. Do you like me as “more than a friend”?”
Girl: “Well, first of all, yea…I’ve been sort of feeling the same about us getting closer and getting worried. I’m glad you talked to me about this, to make sure things are okay with us! Well, on my part, I definitely do not see you in that way. I see you as a brother in christ, and really cherish our friendship!”
Guy: “REALLY? Man! ME TOO! That’s soo awesome. I was getting worried, but now that you say that, it makes me feel so much better!”
Okay. The conversation would NEVER be that short. It will be much longer than that. But, at the same time, the basic principle applies. You have to make sure you guys are on the same page on a continual basis. It’s not enough to just have the discussion ONE TIME at the start of the relationship and hope that it will never change. That’s just wishful thinking, and is completely contradictory to what reality yields most of the time.
Within that, I DO realize, however, that sometimes people might lie about how they feel. Or maybe sometimes they may just legitimately be confused and not know. If that’s the case, you have absolutely NO responsibility for that person. If I ever am confused about whether or not I like someone I feel close to, I don’t blame the other person for the situation. I realize it’s completely my fault and accept full responsibility, so as such, I suffer the consequences of my own idiocy.
But in general…maintaining close friendships is a good practice, when it comes to cross gender interaction. And it can be a viable means to keep close relationships with the opposite gender. The only thing is, if ever the position of one person in the relationship changes, then you have to abandon the relationship, or decide to give it a shot, and get together. It’s just straight up CRUEL if you make someone be your friend even though they like you. That’s like, torture. TORTURE!
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that is pretty intriguing… we discussed this before in debate before but i never knew yu would write an article about it XD
i still remember that “ladder theory”
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This doesn’t seem very realistic…those type of conversations are always long and awkward. Who wants to have a conversation like that with the same person every 3-4 months?! If the two people continue to spend a lot of time with each other and both feel that this type of conversation is needed that often, maybe it’s a sign that they should just date. Or if it’s because the same person keeps developing feelings for the other, that person should find a way to get over it (and maybe it’s better to not be friends). DTR exists for a reason…there’s no point in having one if you’re always going to question where you both stand.
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Good point! I think my bit on how often it needs to happen was a bit exaggerated. I think ultimately, you do this whenever you feel something in the relationship “changes”. I mean, all of us know that there are just those random awkward “nights” where you feel a close kinship toward a member of the opposite sex that you previously saw as a friend. During those moments, I think Friendship Maintenance needs to happen. It’s just “making sure” you are still on the same page. But the frequency, I definitely agree with you. It shouldn’t happen that often, or else that’s just awkward.
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