What is DTR (Defining The Relationship)?

by Tobe Hitch on October 10, 2009

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DTR (Defining the relationship), is “talking” to the guy/girl of potential romantic interest and “communicating” with them what your intent in this relationship is. Do you want to date? Do you see him/her as just a friend? DTR is a very, very important communication requirement in any relationship where the possibility of romance exists. Previous to the actual “DTR” conversation, questions such as, “What in the world is going on here!?” are very common for both the guy and the girl.

Here are some basic guidelines for when and how DTR needs to happen.

When: DTR usually occurs somewhere in the 2 week to 1 month stage of a relationship that has been picking up momentum. That means that if you are hanging out with a girl/guy more than you used to over a relatively short period of time, and both of you guys (or one) are wondering “what is going on?”, you need to have DTR. If you wait longer than 1 month to do this, it becomes more and more awkward/difficult to execute. Furthermore, you allow any feelings (if either party has them) to develop uninhibited. That can be dangerous. Guys in particular, remember that based on the ladder theory, the girl should already know whether or not she even likes you.

How: The way you do DTR is quite simple. You can do it over a number of communication methods. My suggestion is to pick the method that best suits the relationship. For instance, if you guys are primarily communicating through telephone, or if there is a distance barrier, execute DTR through the telephone. If you guys primarily communicate in real life, execute DTR in person. Honestly, even Facebook and email in the 21st century are very viable means of how you can do DTR. The days of “do it in person!” are long gone. Use whatever method that works! Who cares. You have plenty of time to be romantic later if you guys end up dating. People put too much stock in “doing things” in person.

In DTR, you have to make sure you are as clear as possible. Once again this is imperactive! These are examples of being clear:

1. I like you romantically and want to pursue a relationship
2. I do not like you romantically because you are ugly.
3. I want to be friends with you and nothing more till the day we die.
4. I do not want to be friends with you because you are ugly.
5. I want to get married with you right now so that we can contribute to world overpopulation immediately! (Call me).

These are examples of NOT being clear:

1. I like you as a friend. (Because, then, all the other person hears is the first part “I Like You”…)
2. I only want to be friends for now. (OMG!  You’ve just given the other person hope for the future!)
3. I do not want to get married with you. (Just avoid the word MARRIAGE/MARRIED/MARRY/MARY during the DTR conversation if you do not like the other person because all those words, no matter what context they are used, can be fatal. Fatal I tell you!)
4. I’m not really looking for anything right now. (You love me and when you’re ready I’m going to pounce!)

That my friends, is DTR. Are you a friend that feels we need to have DTR sometime in the near future? You know how to reach me. I’m getting old, man. Desperate. It’s getting so bad that I might just take what I can get. But then again. No.

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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

ginger October 11, 2009 at 1:00 am

i am in a room full of pc kids currently discussing previous DTR moments. hahaha.. look what you have done

jenroh October 11, 2009 at 9:59 am

lightbulbs and lol’s

define this October 12, 2009 at 12:57 am

so… if i wake up in vegas one morning sleeping next to the stripper i married last night, but i can’t really remember the details, do i still need to have a dtr?.. or should i be calling my lawyer

Pen Name October 12, 2009 at 1:41 am

what happens in vegas, stays in vegas?

Pen Name October 12, 2009 at 1:41 am

i guess that would qualify as something that won’t stay in vegas…

Michelle October 20, 2009 at 12:14 pm

We have a terrible name for this elephant: Wuwu (What’s up with us?). Tell me this process gets easier over time. :)

Rurri June 23, 2010 at 11:53 pm

I LOVE the way you write!!

Wait…did I just gave you hope? Lol.

Keep it up :)

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